Alive

It's been almost a week. The German drama is not really resolved just yet. But I've been back into contact with German professor.

I am beginning the process of applying for the Fulbright. This should be interesting.

And I am still the only girl in the Japanese Cinema course, and it will very likely stay that way from here on out. Way to put myself into rough odds.

I wish I had something more interesting to say. I just don't. I am writing and reading and watching films, and generally I am content with that. I just wish I had a more talkative (or present, for that matter) roommate this year, and that my friends had not already graduated ahead of me -- rather should I say I wish I could have graduated with them. It is my senior year of high school all over again, and I was praying not to have to relive that anytime soon, for many, many reasons.

It just occurred to me that my life seems to be functioning in cycles. I dealt with four years of high school. My junior year was my favorite year. In between then and my senior year, I went to a program that introduced one to life beyond -- at that time meaning a life more like college. When I came back, my friends were mostly gone, and I was miserable. I felt like high school no longer fit. Now, I finished my junior year. I went away to grad school for the summer. Now I've come back and I don't feel like I really belong anymore.

Why the hell did I let myself do that again?

Beyond this, there are larger issues. What happens if I manage to get a Fulbright? I go away for ten months, delay grad school. There is that small issue of Gamer Guy, who I doubt very much will want to be on the other side of an ocean away from me for that long. (And, well, I have grown quite accustomed to his presence as well.) If the Fulbright doesn't work out, then there is grad school. But grad school in what? And where? And why? And is GG going to go there too and find work, or get a job in the Musical City? Would there be any parental fit-throwings? Am I going to turn into the sibling that was never there for P and G, just like they have the father that was never there?

Somebody shoot me. I've got to go start writing the damn Fulbright application.