A Decision....Made?

Holy crap. I think I'm going to apply to grad school for German and Cinema Studies.

Holy crap. I am applying to grad school for German and Cinema Studies.

This came after one of the strangest weeks I've had in ages, which also only extended the time since I've last blogged. I don't know what that delay was about, except that for the past week or so I've been so distracted by thoughts of the next few years of my life that I have barely been able to get the homework for the next day finished in a timely manner and have it actually make sense.

But to no longer be a student in English? I mean, can this honestly be happening?

I can't really explain this decision logically. I've tried. In fact, I feel like it's completely counterintuitive -- the decision that I've made. It's going to be more difficult this way, I know. And I've always been the English kid. How can I not be the English kid?

Easily, it seems now. Which makes me feel as though I've somehow betrayed myself and many others in the process of deciding that I should keep going in German.

I mean, it's not like the skills I've learned in English won't be used. They will. Every day. Just for another language. And a lot of what I did in English actually had to do also with Film, and that's not going away.

But German? To teach German? To research German?

I'm not sure my language level is even enough for that. German Professor has reassured me (perhaps more times than she should have had to in the past week or so) that this will not be an issue -- that a little more time abroad would solve the problem even more so rather quickly. I want film to still be a part of what I do, and it just so happens that I like the German cinema. I can't really work with that in an English department -- it just doesn't work that way.

German Professor has helped me find some places to apply, some because of a particular scholar who teaches there -- some of which I am familiar with through their publications. I found a few other places on my own. So I guess I just need to start applying.

I'm actually going to apply to Yale. I don't know why. There's no chance of getting in. But they have a dual-degree PhD program in Film Studies that requires one to work in conjunction with another department -- for me that would be German. English isn't an option anyway -- only American studies. But I wrote the head of the program, and was told that pairing it with German would make me a more appealing candidate, and that they receive 150 applications a year for 4 slots. Odds are not in my favor.

Aside from that, there is UMASS Amherst, where the German program allows an emphasis in German cinema. This is a place I could probably get into, and is the home to the East-German company DEFA film library. I'm also looking at Ohio State University, which I do not think has a specific emphasis (or maybe it does) in film, but that is a part of the curriculum, and GP knows a faculty member there who has written extensively on the New German Cinema movement, among other things.

There is also a program at UT Austin, where I could take an emphasis in German culture that would include film. One of the faculty members there wrote a book I've used in my research before, and she sounds really cool. She also works with Weimar culture, which is something I'd like to know more about. Lastly, the Washington University in St. Louis has a program where I could also work with film, and there is a faculty member there that GP knows (or has met, I think) whose book I have also pulled off the library shelf before.

So maybe I'll get accepted to at least one of these places. One could only hope. I just still can't believe I've chosen this over English. I'm not sure I want to apply for English instead. Actually, my initial plan had been to apply to a couple of schools in both. But the more I tried to do that, the more intimidated and stressed out I got, because that meant I was essentially going to have to do applications twice but at the same time -- two different kinds of writing samples, personal statements, faculty recommendations, etc. It was already too much. I needed to choose, because doing that was also only going to prolong choosing.

Now if I were only sure I could live with this choice. Film Professor did make the point the other day that it would be easier to change my mind and go back to English than it would be to go back to German, which makes sense. Still. I'm just not sure I can do this.