I am the Squirrely Jedi. Forever. Force or no Force. Lightsaber...uh...check.

A Newer New Start

2010-04-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

http://isquirrelyjedi.blogspot.com/

A New Start

2009-06-16T18:55:00.000-05:00

http://sjnextchapter.blogspot.com/

Where I am, What I'm doing

2008-10-03T15:20:00.003-05:00

So, I had this great plan to blog while I am here in Germany, in this small town isolated from pretty much everything. My arrival and first few weeks here have been ok. But it is difficult because I feel somewhat isolated. There is no one around my age to spend time with, at least that I have found, and I have combed through the city fairly thoroughly by now. It is mostly an older population that is here.

I started another blog, but I was so confused before I left, that I did not even finish the blogging I was going to do before I left. Nor have I posted anything to it since my arrival. This is not good of me, but I think my plans for the near future have changed.

I think the Squirrely Jedi is undergoing a slightly stressful period of change at the moment. That said, I don't think the separate blog is going to get off the ground. So I will just be posting here from time to time, when I feel that I have something useful to post. I have been trying to find ways to improve my German, and that has, to this point, largely involved reading and writing, as I do not see the landlords often, and I have not made any friends in the city yet.

I won't even go into the teaching just yet. Some of my classes have been ok. Others have been, well, awful. But I am slowly figuring things out, and will try to do better. A break is upon us here, though. Today is Germany's Reunification Day. And I have the next two weeks off. So I am traveling to Berlin and Münster so that I can do my own thing and also meet up with some friends and new acquaintances. I am looking forward to it, and I leave on Sunday.

Unfortunately, being separated from the blog a little meant that I almost forgot who I was over the last couple of weeks. But I was thankfully reminded by German Professor in an email. So the Squirrely Jedi will continue to post things here from time to time, but at the moment, I haven't figured out quite yet how the blog fits into my daily routine here. In some ways, it doesn't. But that does not mean that I do not miss it. And that I will not be blogging anymore. I just have too many things going on in my mind and life right now to feel obligated to daily postings. So here is the best I can promise. To post things, in English, when I have the time and something that I want to say.

Beyond that, right now, I can't say. It seems I'm undergoing a period of change, and I'm just not sure what's happening to me.

A New Blog in the Works

2008-07-23T20:30:00.002-05:00

The next few weeks will be interesting ones, as I get ready for my trip. But just for that, I am putting together a new blog. I thought it time for a fresh page and a fresh start for a little bit. There may be some overlap until I leave sometime around the first of September between the blogs, but after that I will probably just post to the new one.

To find it, just click on my profile pic. It's the other blog listed in my profile. SJ in Deutschland.

Where I am, What I'm doing

2008-06-30T22:24:00.002-05:00

My apologies for the blog hiatus, to anyone who still reads. The end of the semester and the start of this summer has been, well, hectic.

The biggest news is that I am going to be postponing St. Louis for a year to go teach in Germany. I got the Fulbright! Better late than never, I guess. So I have been undergoing the great filling out of paperwork, and have been poked and prodded in a medical exam that I will unfortunately never be able to forget. But as of right now, I'm going. Gamer Guy will stay home and hold down the fort and a job, presumably, while I'm gone. And come to see me at least once, of course. If he hopes to stick around, that is ;-). I ship out in September, so I have a little time left for hanging around and finishing up the summer job.

Which has been working with a program for high school kids at the university here. It's been mostly fun. I teach German and work as a tutor and counselor, and drive a 12-passenger van (which is a sight to behold, I am sure). I am thankful for a short week this week, after which I'll spend the holiday with Gamer Guy and his family.

And after the insanity is over, hopefully I will continue to blog. Or perhaps I shall start a new blog when my adventures in Germany begin...

The Decision

2008-04-27T21:04:00.003-05:00

To answer the question of a curious few, yes I did make a decision about grad school. And I will be going to Washington University in St. Louis. And Gamer Guy is going to go there with me.

The only question left now has to do with my Fulbright application. I found out that right now I am an alternate, and could still be chosen for a position if one became available. But I won't find that out for an additional month or so of waiting. Whoopdie-freakin-doo. If that happens, then Wash U will defer my acceptance for a year, and Gamer Guy will wait for me in N-ville, and better get his butt over there to Germany to visit me at least once. If that doesn't work out, we'll be moving to St. Louis at the end of the summer. Wow.

Changes are coming. And they're going to be big. It's kind of hard for me to process at the moment. Right now, I'm trying to focus on finishing up my classes, graduating, and getting over the allergy sickness that attacked earlier this week. There will be some more posts to come soon, when I have a little more time and feel a little better.

Oops

2008-04-02T09:57:00.001-05:00

Wow. So I just didn't post anything during the month of March. I didn't mean for that to happen. But the grad school visits and conference days sort of made the month go by so fast, that I feel like I sort of missed it anyway. But soon here I will post some awesome pictures of San Francisco. And I will update on the grad school situation once I have made a decision and can perhaps explain this to myself as well as to anyone else.

So yeah. Life is insane. I have no other explanation.

Pictures from Berlin

2008-02-27T21:38:00.015-05:00

Back in Berlin! I have to say that I was excited, once I got there and got over the terrible flight and the following nausea and everything else. I got to see more of the city than what I had during my exceedingly brief 60 hour excursion from my summer abroad, and that made me happy. Above is the church that was bombed during World War II that has been left without its top as a memorial to that time. This is in the western part of the city.
This has got to be one of the most bizarre pictures I took. That is the statue of Marx and Engels as seen from behind as they look on in the direction of Alexanderplatz and the tower there, which seems to be disappearing in the clouds. It was snowing that morning -- that light, quiet kind of snow that made it a pleasant morning for a stroll.
This is the angel atop the Siegessaeule, which stands in the western part of the city, but is not far from Unter den Linden, where the Brandenburg Gate is. Maybe Wim Wenders was on to something with his "city of angels."
I thought it kind of funny that the Reichstag still had its Christmas tree out in the middle of January. The picture is a little bleary because the afternoon was a little bleary, but I thought it was still a pretty scene.
This was one of the cinemas I visited while I was there for my work -- Hackische Hoefe. Cool place. You walked through this gate and then into a courtyard, and the entrance was through some double doors and up several flights of stairs. I saw a documentary here one night, and the director was actually there for a discussion with the audience afterward. Very cool.
This is another movie theater I visited -- called Babylon: Mitte. I saw a couple of films here as well. I liked this one a lot too. The theaters were small and the atmosphere was fun. This was also where many of the films from East Germany used to debut back when Germany was divided.
This is a view of the relatively new memorial to the Holocaust that is also not far from Unter den Linden -- just down the street, actually. I like this place. It is an odd sort of contemplative spot in the middle of a very busy city. The strangest was when I went the last time and was there early in the morning.
This is a close-up view of the Quadriga that is on top of the Brandenburg Gate.
This is what one calls good timing. On one of the sunny days, I happened to be passing through here when the sun was in this spot. I thought it made for a cool picture of the gate.
This was a somewhat "grungier" cinema I visited with my host sister one night to see a film. It may look a little scary on the outside, but it ended up being fine. Lots of graffiti. It was also a small place. Unlike most cities in the states, there were many small theaters in Berlin that I visited -- more so than the mulitplexes. There was also more of a variety of films to be seen there, which was cool.
This is inside one of the old East German "secret police" (Stasi) prisons. The group took a tour there and got to see the inside of several buildings. It was kind of creepy. Some of the rooms looked just like the sets they used in The Lives of Others.
The Berliner Dom -- also not far from Unter den Linden. It's a great big church. Yeah. I liked this view of it from the bridge

Pictures from Potsdam

2008-02-24T16:59:00.011-05:00

Potsdam is a smaller town that is attached to Berlin's transportation system. It technically belongs to and is the capitol of the state of Brandenburg in Germany. The above is a picture of part of what is known as the old city -- part of which is being restored in the wake of being left to ruin or destroyed by the DDR in the era of a divided Germany.
This building holds the Film Museum of Potsdam, which German Professor and I visited later that afternoon. There is an entire history of the Babelsberg Studios, which was cool.
Here is an example of one of the bizarre-looking facades that have been erected in front of some of the buildings in the town, as the city is concerned with returning itself to its former "aesthetically pleasing" glory that it was before the influence of the GDR.
Some of the ruins that have been recovered post-GDR era.
This is a mural on one of the buildings in town from the DDR period. There is debate over what to do with it, as Potsdam has been trying to get rid of former East-German influence, yet it is part of the history of the town.
This is a building that has not been touched since the end of World War II. Those are boards covering all the windows.
One of the gates of the city.

I believe this particular section of buildings is called the Dutch Quarter. It is the something quarter. I could be mistaken at this point. It was odd to see the buildings which, at first glance, all looked the same. But when one looks more closely, one can find many little differences.

Photos from Dresden

2008-02-20T20:51:00.008-05:00

Dresden is an interesting combination of the very old and the very modern. Some of this has to do with the fact that it was bombed to Hell and back during World War II. A great effort was made in order to preserve what was left of the old, historical part of the city. Much was also reconstructed with as much of the original materials as possible following the war. Dresden, like Meissen, then became part of East Germany, and it is in some ways a wonder that so much of the old did survive that regime as well -- as those in charge had a tendency to demolish the old in favor of the new. In fact, there are still some East German buildings in the downtown that no one there really knows what to do with. But I'm getting off track.

The above picture shows the entrance to what used to be the royal residence in Dresden. We were guided around by a guide in full period wear who really should have worked on his English. I would have been happy to listen to him in German, but the class of students there with German Professor were only 100-level students. That would have been ugly.
The grounds themselves were very picturesque in that way that such old buildings are. We were led around and told about the month-long parties that would be held in a place like this. Hard to imagine.
This is the opera house that lies beyond the residence near the edge of the river in the old part of the city.
This is more of the old part of the city.
This is the interior of the local Frauenkirche. (I say local because there is also a well known church in Munich that is also known by the same name.) I went with German Professor, Honors Program Director, and a couple of other students to a service there on a Sunday morning. The inside was amazing. This was also destroyed in the war.
This is the exterior of the church. The darker stones integrated into the building are the original stones that were left in the wake of the bombings. There wasn't much left.

More pictures to come soon.

Photos From Meissen

2008-02-20T20:44:00.006-05:00

About halfway through the trip, we took a three day excursion to Dresden, which is directly south of Berlin in Saxony, and while there, took a day trip to a small town called Meissen. This name may sound familiar to you, as this is the town where all of the expensive porcelain is made. The trademark for Meissen porcelain is the two crossed, blue swords. This was the view walking over to the main part of town from the train station. On the right is the town's castle and main cathedral, which we visited.
A closer view of the cathedral. The castle is the white building in the background.
This is looking out from near the cathedral back at the rest of town, along with the bridge we crossed from the train station to get into the main part of town. It was a very nice day there.

Looking over the main part of town. Again one that probably did not see a lot of bombing during World War II. However, this was located in the former East Germany. Yet the porcelain was allowed to continue. Go figure.

Photos from Quedlinburg

2008-02-20T20:36:00.006-05:00

Quedlinburg is a small town in almost dead-center Germany. A small group of us went there as a day trip for the last day of the program, so I guess this is me kind of working backwards through the pictures. We had a nice day. It rained a little. The town is small and is full of the traditional-looking "Fachwerkhäuser" that are sometimes (though not always consciously) thought of when people think of Germany.
This is a view of the castle, which we visited. It is partially a museum, and there was an art exhibit there as well that particular day. But climbing up the hill allowed us to see a great view of the town.
There it is, with Honors Program Director looking on. The sky was somewhat overcast, but I still like this photo.
This is looking down over the ledge at the houses directly below. These are the kind of houses I'm talking about. One could tell that this city suffered very little to no bombing in World War II, as there were no gaps between the houses.
A closer view of the town. It was a quaint little place. I wouldn't mind going back, but I don't think I would ever want to live there.

The Situation, Such That it is...

2008-02-17T20:50:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I have not uploaded my pictures yet, mainly because I have been trying to do the work for my classes. This is not abnormal. But what is making it painfully more difficult is the fact that I have started hearing word from various of the grad schools that I have applied to. I can already tell this is going to be an interesting choice.

Washington University in St. Louis has also responded positively, and has perhaps made the best financial offer thus far: tuition scholarship plus a fellowship for the first year and then becoming a teaching assistantship.

Ohio State University has accepted me, and has offered a teaching assistantship for nine months of the year, potential for summer employment. Tuition is waived.

The University of Texas at Austin has called (in fact, it was the very professor that I would be working with who called me on a Friday afternoon) and invited me to come there the first week of March, when they will discuss their offer in more detail. What I know so far: it involves a fellowship for the first year.

UMASS contacted me this weekend via email, saying that I have been accepted, but that they don't know yet if I can even be offered a teaching assistantship, but there are other jobs available (i.e. writing center). That's not a good sign.

And nothing from Yale. There will probably be nothing from Yale. Oh well.

So now the great visiting begins. The 29th I got to St. Louis for the weekend. That following week I will be going to Austin for a day or two. The following week after that is our spring break, during which I hope to at least visit Columbus if not also Amherst. Sigh. This is hard. I was really hoping at least one or two would say "no" so that there weren't so many places to narrow down. This could get difficult.

But I guess this is better than having all of them say "no."

Ich bin zurueck

2008-01-23T21:45:00.000-05:00

But that's about all I can say. We got back at one AM Monday morning, and classes started Tuesday. I have a little bit of work to finish from my independent study with German Professor, and I was not ready for new classes just yet. I already have a draft of a paper due on Monday.

This is already looking ugly. I don't understand. At least I only have 12.5 hours this semester.

Berlin was fantastic. I'll post some pictures soon.

Berlin Bound

2008-01-02T07:03:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say? The break didn't leave me with much time to catch up on my blogging. But my grad school applications are finished. I am very happy about that.

This morning I will be leaving in a little while to go back to Berlin for a 2.5 week study trip. Let's just hope the studying isn't too bad and that I still get to scope out some cool things while I'm there. Blogging, again, may be scarce, but I will try to post about my trip when I return, if nothing else, because I'm sure something worthwhile and interesting will happen.

Auf wiedersehen!

I Am Home

2007-12-17T12:51:00.000-05:00

And have been for a few days. Gamer Guy came with me, and has kept me company during my recuperation phase. In fact, he has undergone one himself.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I had to have a few days to just relax. But now I've got to take a six page paper and make it 20 and write a personal statement for graduate school that sounds ok and do the work for the Berlin trip that needs to be completed ahead of time. Sigh. And have Christmas with my family. This could get interesting.

Gamer Guy goes home tomorrow. Today I'm catching up on the pile of laundry. My strategy is now to not think too hard about what I'm applying to for grad school and just do it. It must happen very soon. So I'm going to make it happen. I think.

I hope I hear about the Fulbright soon.

I really just need to get to work.

A Decision....Made?

2007-12-01T23:38:00.000-05:00

Holy crap. I think I'm going to apply to grad school for German and Cinema Studies.

Holy crap. I am applying to grad school for German and Cinema Studies.

This came after one of the strangest weeks I've had in ages, which also only extended the time since I've last blogged. I don't know what that delay was about, except that for the past week or so I've been so distracted by thoughts of the next few years of my life that I have barely been able to get the homework for the next day finished in a timely manner and have it actually make sense.

But to no longer be a student in English? I mean, can this honestly be happening?

I can't really explain this decision logically. I've tried. In fact, I feel like it's completely counterintuitive -- the decision that I've made. It's going to be more difficult this way, I know. And I've always been the English kid. How can I not be the English kid?

Easily, it seems now. Which makes me feel as though I've somehow betrayed myself and many others in the process of deciding that I should keep going in German.

I mean, it's not like the skills I've learned in English won't be used. They will. Every day. Just for another language. And a lot of what I did in English actually had to do also with Film, and that's not going away.

But German? To teach German? To research German?

I'm not sure my language level is even enough for that. German Professor has reassured me (perhaps more times than she should have had to in the past week or so) that this will not be an issue -- that a little more time abroad would solve the problem even more so rather quickly. I want film to still be a part of what I do, and it just so happens that I like the German cinema. I can't really work with that in an English department -- it just doesn't work that way.

German Professor has helped me find some places to apply, some because of a particular scholar who teaches there -- some of which I am familiar with through their publications. I found a few other places on my own. So I guess I just need to start applying.

I'm actually going to apply to Yale. I don't know why. There's no chance of getting in. But they have a dual-degree PhD program in Film Studies that requires one to work in conjunction with another department -- for me that would be German. English isn't an option anyway -- only American studies. But I wrote the head of the program, and was told that pairing it with German would make me a more appealing candidate, and that they receive 150 applications a year for 4 slots. Odds are not in my favor.

Aside from that, there is UMASS Amherst, where the German program allows an emphasis in German cinema. This is a place I could probably get into, and is the home to the East-German company DEFA film library. I'm also looking at Ohio State University, which I do not think has a specific emphasis (or maybe it does) in film, but that is a part of the curriculum, and GP knows a faculty member there who has written extensively on the New German Cinema movement, among other things.

There is also a program at UT Austin, where I could take an emphasis in German culture that would include film. One of the faculty members there wrote a book I've used in my research before, and she sounds really cool. She also works with Weimar culture, which is something I'd like to know more about. Lastly, the Washington University in St. Louis has a program where I could also work with film, and there is a faculty member there that GP knows (or has met, I think) whose book I have also pulled off the library shelf before.

So maybe I'll get accepted to at least one of these places. One could only hope. I just still can't believe I've chosen this over English. I'm not sure I want to apply for English instead. Actually, my initial plan had been to apply to a couple of schools in both. But the more I tried to do that, the more intimidated and stressed out I got, because that meant I was essentially going to have to do applications twice but at the same time -- two different kinds of writing samples, personal statements, faculty recommendations, etc. It was already too much. I needed to choose, because doing that was also only going to prolong choosing.

Now if I were only sure I could live with this choice. Film Professor did make the point the other day that it would be easier to change my mind and go back to English than it would be to go back to German, which makes sense. Still. I'm just not sure I can do this.

Oh Even More Crap

2007-11-10T11:44:00.000-05:00

Now I'm looking at English and German programs at Duke. Those deadlines are in December. December.

Ok. Joke's on me. I get it. Ha ha.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Oh Crap

2007-11-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

I just realized late last night that basically all of the applications for the graduate schools I have looked at thus far are all due in January -- when I will be in Berlin.

God/Fate, if you or something that is supposed to be you is actually around, I appreciate a good sense of humor as much as the next soul. But this is getting ridiculous. Really. This isn't funny anymore.

Oh crap.

I'm Going to San Francisco!

2007-11-05T13:41:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm going to San Francisco in March. English Department Head wanted to put together a panel from a few of her students in the Shakespeare and film class -- one of which happened to be me.

She submitted it to the Popular Culture Association's conference, and the panel has been accepted! So in March I'll be traveling with a professor or two and a handful of fellow students to a state I've never been to before. I'm hoping this should be cool. And I get to read about Ian McKellen portraying the wonderfully ambiguous Richard III, so it should be good.

Film Professor is also trying to get a panel together from his American Studies class, so he might be going along for the ride too. This could be a fun trip.

But I've got a while. I'll have been to Berlin and back before that happens. Wow. What an awesome thought.

German Professor is coming back to the states for a brief visit and a conference next week. She's supposed to be bringing me a book to read so I can start playing around with the subject of my independent study. It'll be good to see her.

The End of October

2007-10-31T23:30:00.000-05:00

Here it is the end of October already. My favorite month seems like a blur in my mind now. I didn't have much time to enjoy it, it seems. But at least the weather has finally decided to get cooler. I only wish there was more to be had before November.

But if I really got started on wanting things I can't have, that list would get much longer, with many more important things on it. At least I'm going to get a haircut on Saturday.

Oxford

2007-10-29T21:24:00.000-05:00

I am still here. Promise. I feel like a very bad blogger as of late. I don't have much time for writing, and when I do, I never seem to have anything to say. Maybe I'll post some poetry soon.

In any case, I spent last Thursday, Friday, and part of Saturday in Oxford, Mississippi -- the home of the late, some say great William Faulkner. I can't say that I found this trip as enjoyable as the one to Chicago. But maybe I'm biased because it did rain for a large chunk of the time, and it was freezing cold, and American Lit Professor kept insisting on visiting things outdoors like cemeteries. Sigh.

I don't know how I feel about Faulkner as a writer. I don't like him very much right now because he makes my head spin with everything else I have to keep up with. Because of that, I believe I'm going to come out of this class a definite Hemingway fan. There is beauty in simplicity. That is what I've learned.

But now I have to finish a paper for Film Professor's class.

SUCCESS!

2007-10-18T22:01:00.000-05:00

The Fulbright application is finished!! It should be on its way!! YAY!!! I can have my life back now.

The scholarships for Berlin in January are also all turned in. Hopefully at least some of those applications will cut down on the cost.

And now I can get back to having a few minutes to myself at the end of the day, and maybe not rushing through my work quite so much. Ah, the relief. Honestly, I'm not sure it matters that much to me whether or not I manage to make it; I'm just happy the application process is over.

In other news, I'm off to the Musical City this weekend with Gamer Guy. His brother has recently gotten engaged, so there is to be a little celebrating this weekend.

I am a little sad that my favorite month is over half way over and I've had little time to enjoy it. Actually, there hasn't been much to enjoy just yet, either. I am a fan of cool fall weather, and there have only been a couple of days like that here in BG. Too bad.

Off to do some more writing.

To not climbing out of the pile

2007-10-13T23:19:00.000-05:00

So there was a lot I was supposed to do this weekend. And thus far I have done little. Friday night Gamer Guy and I mostly just tried to relax. I was tired anyway, and classes were done for the week.

I also managed to get a full, uninterrupted night's sleep last night, courtesy of the fact that my roommate has gone away for the weekend. He habit of coming in at all hours of the night and turning on lights that shine straight in my face has continued ad nauseum to the point that it's a good thing I have no weapons within reach and 2:30 AM -- else I might feel inclined to use them.

Of course, the other side effect is that when I woke up this morning, my body had decided to essentially crash as if suddenly realizing that it wasn't getting enough sleep and rest, and so this morning I felt awful. So what did I do? You guessed it. I laid in bed and watched a movie for a class while GG went to play Schleuderball with New German Professor and some other German students. And there was more resting.

Now I need to spend tomorrow and do more than possible in a day's time. I know I should have gotten more accomplished today. But what can I say? I needed a rest.

A Poem

2007-10-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

bananas, chocolate, bottled water
title of blog post
never written about
a car ride
at sunset, pink and purple painted
onto blue orange background,
headlights a steady beam,
car gliding down highway
as if toward nothing
but something
slowly revealed by
timid halo of light;
trees enfold highway
ensnare us into wilderness;
we take the glowing exit
into blurred details of dark
where the path ends in a parking lot
with banana peels, empty bottles, and a
half-eaten bag of M&Ms.

Test Post

2007-10-09T17:47:00.001-05:00

Here is a post where I have embedded the video into the post, just to see what it looks like. I'm working on something for German Professor. This is my animation project from last year.

On Migraines and Berlin

2007-10-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm still here. I know I keep saying that. My life just does not allow much time for blogging right now, mainly because by the time I finish with my work at night, the last thing I want to do is sit here typing on the computer for any minute longer than I have to.

But it is October now, and that makes me happy. I woke up this morning and the sky was different. And there was something new in the air when I went outside. This is a good thing.

My Fulbright application is finished now, for the moment, until the campus review board looks at it and tells me I need to change everything. I am still knee-deep in paperwork for all of my classes, and I fear that it will stay this way from here on out for this semester. Which is sad. I have already in the last week worried Gamer Guy into his first migraine. Twenty three years old, never had one in his life, and he had one last week with me. I remember migraines. I saw that same ache on his face. I felt very guilty, and put him in bed in my room and took care of him through the afternoon.

But, I just got the email from German Professor tonight, and it looks like I am going to get to go to Berlin during the winter term and get three hours of German credit working on Berlin in the context of film history. WOOT! This was an amazing feat of endurance on GP's part, mainly because it was the Modern Language department head that needed so much convincing. And now it is going to happen, it seems, for I am to fill out paperwork tomorrow morning. WOOT!

And that's basically all I can say at the moment. This Thursday is the start of fall break, and I will be traveling with part of my Hemingway & Faulkner class to Oak Park and Chicago, Il, to come back late Friday night. This should be entertaining, but we are getting to spend an entire afternoon at the art museum there on top of our Hemingway activities, so I should be quite contented.

Insomnia

2007-09-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

I came home last night for the weekend with Gamer Guy. It was a hectic week. The Fulbright application has been a nightmare solely because I cannot seem to get any knowledgeable help from the honors department. I had two papers due yesterday, one of which had to be in German. And next week it will be much of the same. Only the following Monday will be when my Fulbright application is due on campus -- October first.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep much at all, lately. Part of that is because of the stranger that is my current roommate who does silly things like typing very loudly on her computer keyboard until two in the morning. Part of that is most likely because I have a lot on my mind. And the rest of it is probably just because I could never sleep anyway.

Gamer Guy was in the other room. I went and sat next to him on the couch. He peeked up at me from under the blankets, asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't sleep. We talked for a little bit. He offered to let me stay with him in the den -- put me on the couch and he would stay on the floor. I told him no. It's bad enough the most I can offer is the basement couch since he will never take my bed, and I didn't want him on the floor.

I went back to my room and sat up in bed for a little bit. But something had started something to going in my head and it wasn't stopping. I couldn't really figure out why or what it was that was keeping me from being tired at 2 AM.

GG came back into the room. He threw the comforter up over me as he dragged a blanket in behind him. "Scoot over." I looked at him like he was insane. There is not much space for scooting over on a twin-sized bed. He climbed over me and laid down on top of the bed and threw the blanket over him.

"But what if my parents..."

"Shut up. Go to sleep."

He went back to the couch about 8.

Out of Balance

2007-09-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

The Force is out of balance. I don't know how else to describe it. Nothing seems right. My Fulbright application is sucking big time and I'm not finding the motivation to care all that much. The truth is, I don't know if I really want it that badly or not. Or maybe I'm just in a bad mood. I don't know.

I've tried to do that whole analyze yourself thing, trying to figure out if there is something particular missing or something that I would change that would be the root of the problem. But I can't find the solitary thing. There's too much I'd change. I don't know what to do about that. There is too much that needs righting. Too many variables. I can't fix this.

In other news, I found out today that a piece I wrote is getting published in Sigma Tau Delta's literary magazine -- a national level publication. Whoopdee doo. It would help if it didn't take almost five months to find out. Oh well. That doesn't fix anything either.

Alive

2007-09-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a week. The German drama is not really resolved just yet. But I've been back into contact with German professor.

I am beginning the process of applying for the Fulbright. This should be interesting.

And I am still the only girl in the Japanese Cinema course, and it will very likely stay that way from here on out. Way to put myself into rough odds.

I wish I had something more interesting to say. I just don't. I am writing and reading and watching films, and generally I am content with that. I just wish I had a more talkative (or present, for that matter) roommate this year, and that my friends had not already graduated ahead of me -- rather should I say I wish I could have graduated with them. It is my senior year of high school all over again, and I was praying not to have to relive that anytime soon, for many, many reasons.

It just occurred to me that my life seems to be functioning in cycles. I dealt with four years of high school. My junior year was my favorite year. In between then and my senior year, I went to a program that introduced one to life beyond -- at that time meaning a life more like college. When I came back, my friends were mostly gone, and I was miserable. I felt like high school no longer fit. Now, I finished my junior year. I went away to grad school for the summer. Now I've come back and I don't feel like I really belong anymore.

Why the hell did I let myself do that again?

Beyond this, there are larger issues. What happens if I manage to get a Fulbright? I go away for ten months, delay grad school. There is that small issue of Gamer Guy, who I doubt very much will want to be on the other side of an ocean away from me for that long. (And, well, I have grown quite accustomed to his presence as well.) If the Fulbright doesn't work out, then there is grad school. But grad school in what? And where? And why? And is GG going to go there too and find work, or get a job in the Musical City? Would there be any parental fit-throwings? Am I going to turn into the sibling that was never there for P and G, just like they have the father that was never there?

Somebody shoot me. I've got to go start writing the damn Fulbright application.

German Drama

2007-09-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I never thought I'd have to title a blog post that, but under the circumstances I guess that's the best name for it.

I had a scheduling conflict this semester between a film class I needed and a German class I needed that were at the exact same time, obviously. I registered for the film class, which also meant I had to get special permission to take another class in the English department that I needed that overlapped the separate film viewing time of the film class. Confused yet?

People in the modern languages department have been aware of this issue since the summer. I have talked with our advisor (who happens to teach Spanish). She told me that they did not want German Professor's absence to be a problem for their German majors.

Wednesday I sat down to have a conversation with the department head (who also teaches Spanish). During this conversation, she informed me that there was nothing the modern language department could do about my last three hours of German credit, and that I was just going to have to take a 33 hour minor as opposed to getting the 36 hours for the major.

The second time I was in her office that day, she decided to tell me, "Well, if you were going to go to grad school in German, and you needed to have a major, then we might be able to work something out." This was perhaps the comment that set some ticking time bomb inside of me to explode -- and who knew I had one of those?

What this ultimately led to was my ending up seeing Film Professor before my other classes that day and breaking down in the doorway of his office (if managing to stifle it after about thirty seconds -- but still, I showed weakness). This most likely scared the living daylights out of him. I managed to explain to him what had happened, to which he sympathetically groaned, "You have got to be kidding me."

Oh I wish I had been. But I am lucky to have professors like him around that have known me long enough that he volunteered to get back into contact with German Professor and help me figure out what it was I could do.

I'm supposed to be applying for a Fulbright scholarship for next year, which would entail going to (hopefully) Germany for a year to help teach English to middle or high schoolers. I would also be in charge of completing some other kind of project while I'm there. But the Fulbright pays for the travel and gives a monthly stipend for the living expenses. Basically it pays for everything, if one can be economical about it. But it is no easy feat to receive one such scholarship. My German and English background gives me a leg up perhaps, but it would have so much more emphasis to say that I have a German major as opposed to a German minor. I know there's only three hours difference between what I am going to have now without any changes and what I need, which really isn't anything. But they won't see that or know the story that, oh, she got screwed over for one class and that's why she only has a minor.

And the truth is that I don't really know which direction I might go. I am probably headed for some sort of academic career. The problem is that now I feel like I could go either way. The German route would be more difficult. Mainly, I'd like to keep doing film work in some capacity. That has been the bridge between my majors, and I could continue that really either way I went.

And there's really no wrong choice. I just feel a certain amount of loyalty now to both. Either way though, I'd probably end up teaching grammar part of the time.

It was somewhat comforting when, talking to Film Professor about this very dilemma the day after the Big Breakdown, he told me he still wakes up some mornings and thinks to himself, "I should have done Art History." But he's also happy with the variety of classes he gets to teach, from the general writing and grammar courses to American Studies to his smattering of film classes.

So yeah. Welcome to the new semester.

Labor Day

2007-09-03T15:40:00.001-05:00

Happy labor day to all, a holiday that's existence I can only attribute to someone's excuse for wanting a day off or for marking special days on calendars. Whatever. No class today. I'm happy.

Except for the fact that I just read for the last 3 hours or so. Now I'm going to celebrate by knitting. I'm finishing a scarf today, I think, if I can manage to bind it off of the needle. That is infinitely more tricky than it sounds. I promise.

Otherwise, yeah. Life goes on. Nothing too exciting to report.

The Only One

2007-08-30T23:08:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's me. It is official. As of today, I am the only female student in the Japanese Cinema in Translation class, offered this semester by the one and only Film Professor. It helps that Gamer Guy is taking that class with me, him being the one more interested in the fact that it is Japanese Cinema. But it is still, well, depressing to a certain extent. Overwhelming to another extent. And just par for the course to yet another extent.

But there is me, one of twenty students, and a girl. It's a wonder I haven't been ostracized and left it to be a boy's club meeting.

But there are worse things in the world, I suppose. So I guess I'll let this one go.

New Semester

2007-08-27T22:47:00.000-05:00

Classes have started today. I'm taking some that I've wanted to take for a long time, and others that are just there. I wish I was more excited about it. But right now, I'm just not. I hoping I'll feel better about it soon -- once I've at least been to all of the classes.

I don't know what my problem is. Perhaps it's the whole bit of German drama that's just tainting everything for me. Replacement German Professor is certainly not German Professor, but he doesn't seem absolutely horrible either. I'm neutral at this point. Of course, he did manage to find a way to weave Poker and soccer into daily classroom activities. That is very un-German Professor like, perhaps simply because GP is a woman -- or perhaps because GP has never used gimmicks in her classes.

She sent me an email the other day just to tell me that -- if I wanted -- the Berlin Film Festival and the X-Filme Creative Pool were interested in receiving my credentials in writing for a potential internship. The Berlinale and X-Filme. God. Why does she do this? Since she's been gone I've finally come out of the fugue state I was trapped in and had finally begun imagining myself teaching Frankenstein to bored-out-of-their-minds college freshmen. Now she comes up with this out of nowhere. I'm really beginning to think that there is such a thing as having too many opportunities. And with other factors about my life also being affected by this, I have no idea what to do.

But it's hard to brush off the opportunity to potentially work for the company that brought the world directors like Tom Tykwer and Wolfgang Becker.

Somebody shoot me.

I'm Here

2007-08-24T10:37:00.000-05:00

Sort of. Well, I made the trek with Dad down to BG. He helped me get everything moved in. Roommate is still here starting graduate school in psychology, but she decided to get her own apartment for the upcoming year. So this means there is a new person in the room. I now have Roommate's old side. New Roommate seems nice enough, and I think we will get along ok. It is strange though, to not have Roommate here. We'd been together in a room two years, so I guess I'd gotten very use to that.

Gamer Guy is coming tomorrow, I think. He'll come whenever he comes. Until then, my duties are simple: decorate, return small shelf that I thought would fit on dresser to raise TV up a little but is in fact too wide, do some writing for Creative Writing Professor's class, since we are expected to show up with some this Wednesday night.

And to revel in the fact that I am back and away from family escapades, centipede problems, and isolation.

Absence

2007-08-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while. I know this. I don't really have any excuses that count, except for the following:

1. Preparation for and taking the GRE last week.
2. Reading a book that has already been assigned for one class this coming semester.
3. Packing for said coming semester.
4. Battling the centipede population in the basement in the territorial dispute over who really rules in my room.
5. Visiting at my mother's and having my family leave me with her and Stepfather.
6. Cleaning out room in the wake of battling centipede population.
7. Fretting over the upcoming year and my academic future.
8. Generally being worn out by the end of the day and just wanting to not think due to numbers 1 through 7.

And finally, I just really haven't had much of anything to say. Maybe it's the worrying and the tiredness and the bliss of being lost in domestic chores such as cleaning out the room and packing. Maybe it's because I really do have things to say and I just can't find the ways to say them in a way that I think would make any sense at all. Maybe it's because I just can't decide what it is that I really want.

I don't know. In any case, I hope to have something more useful to say. Soon.

I Suck

2007-08-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

I took another practice GRE today. A different one. And my score didn't change. Not one point. I think I'm in for it.

On a lighter note, the leftover rash seems to be finally going away from where I broke out in hives while in the boat on Saturday for no apparent reason. That was fun. I went back to the house only to find that Dad and Stepmom did not see fit to stock any Benadryl at The Lake. So I took a very cold shower while Dark-Haired Grandmother went to a local store to find some. I took that when she got back. The shower had made me so cold I was shivering like crazy. I went upstairs and crawled into my bed under the covers. I was still shaking so bad when Gamer Guy came in that he got another quilt to put over me and laid down beside me until I fell asleep and was apparently out for an hour and a half or so. But the little leftover bumps seem to finally be disappearing.

To make matters worse, I was also informed today that, since German Professor is on sabbatical, there's just no one on campus to "supervise" a potential winter term abroad experience with German Film Professor through University A State Away. It looks like GP manages to screw me over even when she's out of the country. Sigh.

Sorry. It hasn't been the best day -- or weekend, for that matter.

Standardized Testing Rant

2007-08-10T13:39:00.000-05:00

I hate standardized tests. The SAT, the ACT, and now the GRE. And I don't hate them just because you normally have to get up and the crack of dawn to go take them and then they take forever and ever and you basically waste a day out of your life (or more if you must do a retake) so that college people will be happy and think that they have an accurate measure of your intelligence. But it's that last part that I really hate.

The only thing I think any of these tests manage to measure is whether or not you can manipulate the test to beat it and score well. In short, for my current situation, I am fairly certain that the only thing the GRE tests is whether or not one can successfully take the GRE. I know that it is supposed to be a measurement of whether or not one can be a good student in grad school. But there really isn't anything about your knowledge that is being tested. What is being tested is whether or not you can pick up on when the test is trying to trick you. Because that is all it seems to do. I just spent two hours taking a practice exam, and reviewing the questions that I missed (particularly the math ones), the issue was not my not comprehending material of any so much as just not figuring out the silly little technicalities that provide one with the GRE-correct answer.

This, in my humble little 21-year-old opinion, is some of the worst bureaucratic bullshit that college students must deal with. And to be honest, it's kind of stupid. And expensive. I had to plunk down $140 just to register for the damn thing, which I am taking for real in six days. My results today were 550 on verbal and 600 on quantitative. I feel like I really ought to do something because that isn't that great, but part of me really just doesn't care because there really isn't much one can do in the way of preparation for these things. This is why I like places like University A State Away, who does not require that the grad students even submit a GRE score. They don't care. No one should.

But now I'm going to forget about it for a day or two and go to The Lake with The Family and see Gamer Guy. That is the goal.

To Feel Him

2007-08-08T21:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was driving home from the Musical City, traveling alone up the Big Interstate -- a straight shot that is almost a three hour drive. I have found that this is a small price to pay for getting to see Gamer Guy the relatively little that we have seen each other in the last couple of months.

As the asphalt dragged on and around and up and down, I became painfully aware of something that I had perhaps not really noticed so much before now. And it has to do with Gamer Guy. I don't know how to articulate this without sounding crazy or -- worse -- sappy. But I noticed coming back from the Musical City that GG had left a trace of himself behind. And it was on me. And before anyone gets any ideas or wants to give me a lecture, I'm not talking about physical traces. No, in some ways this essence is much more permanent.

Now I know people are going to think I'm crazy, because it was almost as if I could still feel him while I was driving down the road, like something out of that parting hug and kiss goodbye hadn't pulled away with him, and I had rolled out of the driveway not realizing I needed to give it back to him. Or maybe the point was that I didn't need to give it back to him. But I rode with it all the way home. I ate dinner with it. I went to bed with it. And I woke up with it this morning and was startled to find it still there.

Part of me is, well, elated on some levels. But there is another part of me that couldn't be more terrified if I was staring down a Sith Lord with nothing but a fuzzy bunny rabbit to fend him off with. Would it be cheesy to say that I've never felt something like that before? Never ever. And I don't really know what to do with it.

It's not easy sometimes being a couple around GG's immediate family and close friends. We are the youngest of the bunch, and we are following in the footsteps of the older kids who are now neuroscientists, lawyers, urban planners, and physics teachers. They are in various stages of being married, being engaged, and near to getting engaged.

And then there are the two of us huddling in the corner that get treated like the little kids not because we are little kids but because we cannot live up to what is already there before us. Yes, we have not been there as long, but sometimes I feel so dwarfed that I -- I don't know how to finish that.

I'm not saying that I don't like them. They're quite likable people. Very nice. But sometimes it seems like GG and I seen with such comparatively less seriousness than the others (some of whom really aren't much older at all or are the same age) and then I turn around and feel something that to me seems very serious and I just...wish things were simpler. GG and I will both have to make some important decisions in the next year and I just don't look forward to trying to explain this to the world.

Not that we're planning on getting married next month, next year, or the year after that, or even in this decade or the next. But damn. This can't be nothing if I can't wash him off after being with him with I hadn't been with him.

I hope he doesn't read this.

For Another Adventure

2007-08-03T22:13:00.000-05:00

So, my first few days of being 21 have been mostly uneventful. I have not been carded for anything except for almost getting carded at the Store We All Hate To Go To But Sometimes Can't Avoid It while trying to buy an R-rated movie for Roommate for her birthday. Go figure. Imagine the somewhat overly made up middle aged lady coming over to me and announcing, "You have to be 17 to buy that!" I had to threaten to show her my drivers license before she would leave me alone.

But tomorrow morning I am off for a small excursion to The Lake, and then on to the Musical City on Sunday to see Gamer Guy and his mother, who just had foot surgery today but is apparently doing quite well.

No one in BG is answering my emails or phone calls about my potential studying in the winter with German Film Professor in Munich. I only need to get the issue sorted out before the semester starts, but it seems nobody is around. And German Professor is not answering her emails either. I guess I've done something she's not kosher with.

Oh well. I'm not going to think about it for the next few days.

For turning 21 today....

2007-07-31T09:54:00.000-05:00

....my reward is to get to go spend the evening with my mother. I will be happy to see the grandparents and Awesomely Cool Aunt and Cute Baby Cousin (who is almost 5 and should probably no longer be referred to as "Baby"). My mother has said that they are the only people that are going to be there aside from maybe some neighbor friends. I don't know if Stepfather will be there or not.

Stepmom is out of town and won't be back until late tonight. Thus the reason I'm not spending my birthday evening with them. They said they wanted to take me to dinner tomorrow.

I actually had a bad dream last night about being back in the house. But at least in the dream Gamer Guy was with me. That won't be the case tonight.

I'm looking at a picture that sits on my desk of my father and me from probably 20 years ago at least. I am just a beady head and tiny fist in a big blanket he has wrapped around me. We are sitting on the back of his jeep next to a doe that he had just hunted and killed with his bow. There is a part of me that wishes he had let the doe live. But I can't help but look more at the two of us.

Back Among the Living

2007-07-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have returned home from University A State Away. Yesterday was spent in the Musical City and BG with Gamer Guy. I got to see Fiction Writing Professor one more time before she moves back home out west.

When we got back to Gamer Guy's house, he laid down with me on the bed for a little while and we talked. After a few minutes of silence, he promptly fell asleep on my shoulder. So I held him for a little bit before I woke him up and sent him to get some rest. Seven hours of driving before the trip to BG hadn't done me any favors, either.

The program came to a nice close. German Film Professor wants me to come back, and to go with him and a group of students on a short study trip to Munich this January. If I could set up an independent study with the university to get the last bit of German credit I need (said study potentially involving the interviewing of a filmmaker or two -- a definite plus), then I will probably take him up on the offer.

Anyway. I'm tired again tonight after driving home from the Musical City. I haven't even really unpacked anything yet, except for the laptop and putting the bag of dirty clothes in the laundry room. I guess progress is progress.

Two Old Fogies

2007-07-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I sat on the couch with Children's Lit Guy for a couple of hours. We were knitting. Yes. Knitting. I did not know until this weekend that I had a crafty bone in my body. But CLG can knit, and he decided he would offer to teach a couple of the other people in the house -- including me. He took us to find the cheapest needles and yarn that we could, which inevitably put us in the middle of Wal-Mart. Sigh.

It was slow-going at first. I had to go through several stops, froggings, and restarts. And then, all of sudden, a day or two ago it just clicked. And so I have been knitting.

Yesterday, while sitting on the couch, CLG taught me how to change yarn colors in the middle of a project. My scarf now has one green block and one gray block, and this morning a new green block is slowly being born.

But CLG and I had a good laugh at ourselves. The TV had been turned and left on where a soap opera was running. And there we were, one on each end of the couch, knitting needles in hand.

We laughed at ourselves for temporarily becoming a couple of little old ladies, and then changed the channel.

One Week to go

2007-07-20T13:32:00.000-05:00

As strange as that sounds, it is true.

Next Friday is the last official day of the program. I won't be leaving until Saturday, but it will be early Saturday morning, and I will quite a drive to get through. It seems strange to think about packing up again. In some ways, I feel as though I have been here a lot longer than I actually have.

I have watched over 40 films in class, at screenings, and on my own that I had not seen before this summer. That number will continue to increase at least a little bit before next Friday.

My screenplay is to page 29 at the moment. I couldn't believe that I got some positive feedback in class last night. Maybe it's not awful after all. Or maybe it is and everyone's just tired of it.

I will be a little sad to leave, I think. For the most part, I have enjoyed being here. My house mates have been mostly fun. I think I would like to come back next summer and continue. I don't know how that might work, and what I would do with this later, but it seems like a worthwhile place to be.

This week, director Marleen Gorris has been here on campus. We are screening a third film of hers tonight. We watched Antonia's Line on Wednesday, a film which won the best foreign film Oscar in 1995 or 1996. It blew me away. The story is amazing. She has blown me away every time I've listened to her speak or spoken with her personally.

I don't know. I've got some difficult decisions to make.

Almost zum Ende

2007-07-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

It is somewhat hard for me to believe that there are only ten days left of the program. Technically, there are only nine days left. The tenth day is the Saturday morning that I will throw all of my junk back in the car and start my somewhat long drive back home. I'm fairly certain that I will be making a detour, however. One, I will probably take a break in the Musical City to see Gamer Guy for a little bit. Second, that very night there is a celebration going on in BG for Fiction Writing Professor, who is leaving BG and moving west almost to the other end of the country. I'd like to see her to tell her goodbye and wish her well and thank her for being an awesome writing professor. I always hated how almost everyone else in the class made fun of her because of her somewhat absent-mindedness.

But that second one may depend upon how tired I am by the time I make my stop in Musical City, and whether or not GG will again let me out of his sight. I guess if that was going to be a problem, I could always drag him with me ;->.

But I guess I should get to work.

Road Trip

2007-07-14T09:09:00.000-05:00

So today I'm going to try to forget my screenwriting troubles and go with a couple of others from the house on a mini road trip. There is a book fair going on today in a place about 2 hours from here, but the books are supposed to be really cheap -- like .75 for a paperback.

And, since we are all pretty much book lovers in this house -- some more so than others -- this sounds like an adventure worth checking out. At least we can make a day out of it and not worry about bad screenplays.

That, and there might be a stop for some German cuisine on the way home...

University A State Away

2007-07-12T09:17:00.001-05:00

The library, which has a rather amazing film collection -- especially in the area of German films. I got to watch some rare Fassbinders.
Part of the quad.
The "back way" to get to the student center.
A bridge next to the library that leads around to the houses on campus.
A campus building with the mountains situated in the background. We are practically surrounded on all sides by mountains.
Ahhh! My room.
There is a small garden behind one of the buildings on campus. I walk there often. It is usually quiet and cool and typically one sees at least one rabbit or squirrel on every visit.
The view from the "backyard."
Looking down at campus from the top of the nearby hill.

The house where I am living with five other people. We're mostly having fun.

Totally Not a Screenwriter

2007-07-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

So yesterday we workshopped in a classroom that had no power for the first hour of class because a horrendous storm had just recently knocked it out.

I should've taken that as a bad sign.

I went in to class last night with 18 pages -- more than anyone else had.

Then they went through The Shredder, not to be mistaken with the villain Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but rather the person also known as Screenwriting Professor.

This morning, having started the re-write and removed everything that he claimed was "unnecessary," I am left with 10.5 pages. And I need 20 for tomorrow's class.

Zippidy doo dah.

I think I'll have lunch and watch a movie first.

A Work in Progess

2007-07-09T14:07:00.000-05:00

My wall is now partially covered with index cards of all colors. There is a sort of method to the madness, though I think there is still quite a bit left to be thought out, written, and posted. But at least I have made enough progress that I can probably write the next ten pages for tomorrow.

Holy crap. To think I could be twenty minutes into a film.

Playing with Index Cards

2007-07-08T22:14:00.000-05:00

I've been playing with index cards for the last day or two. I usually don't have much use for them, to be entirely honest.

But I've recently purchased a package of white index cards and a package of index cards in multiple colors. The goal of this exercise is not excessively complex. One uses the cards to write down scenes from one's screenplay that one is writing. Each card is for a scene or segment of the film. One uses the different colors for different kinds of scenes. Blue is for the major plot points. Red is for the relationship subplot. Green is for the work subplot. Yellow is for the comic relief that this film idea desperately needs. All the rest of the cards are white.

Ultimately, the goal is to tape the cards on the wall in a layout that will make sense and allow me to see the whole thing as it stands. I've got this partially constructed. When I get it finished, I'll have to post a picture of it, so that readers might see the great eccentricities of would-be and yet doesn't-know-if-she-really-wants-to-be screenwriter.

Still Not a Screenwriter

2007-07-04T08:59:00.000-05:00

Things in the screenwriting class have developed as things will develop. By rather odd circumstances that I do not feel I understand well enough to elaborate on here, a student had to drop out of the class yesterday. This means now that there are only four students, and that I am the only girl left. Already once I have been asked to give the "female perspective." I hate to tell Screenwriting Professor that my perspective more than likely hardly coincides with the rest of the female species. But when it comes to reading the work in class, I will at least have my pick of the female roles, right?

That's the other thing. I am also the only person in the class whose screenplay is going to center around a female character. The other guys do not really even have female characters in good supporting roles. They are angry wives or clueless chicks or borderline damsels in distress. I did not know this, but that somehow automatically makes my film a "chick flick" -- which is apparently a real genre these days, to use the word genre somewhat incorrectly in saying such. But this is what SP told me. I hate to tell him that I think his assessment is full of crap. I am not trying to write Miss Congeniality -- though I did enjoy that comedy. But, you know, whatever. SP's wife (yes, he has one) is also a writing professor in the program. I don't quite see how he survives on a day-to-day basis; I hear that she is a remarkable woman.

The upshot of yesterday evening's class? My beginning still needs more conflict and higher stakes. Every time I hear that phrase I think to myself, "I'm not writing the lottery." But now that I've incorporated his other suggestions, he thinks the idea might have a chance of working. A small one. I'm fairly certain mine is his least favorite idea.

But tomorrow there are minimum ten pages due. I've written about five lines. But I've already done the reading for my other class, so this is all I have to focus on today. Thankfully. That -- and enjoying some fireworks with people later in the day. It's funny to think that a year ago today I was sitting in a classroom in a little elementary school in Germany, eating apple cake with a few other American students and the crazy teacher that had made it for us. Happy 4th of July.

Not a Screenwriter

2007-06-30T22:01:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am not cut out to write for film. It just isn't going to happen.

A housemate here for playwriting that has taught screenwriting before told me a day or two ago that it is a science, that it is a business, that it is anything but an art. There is a formula to be followed, you see, right down to what kind of event should happen by what minute in the film. This is, of course, so the screenplay will be viable in the market perpetuated by the tycoons in California that compose that which is known as Hollywood.

Here is apparently what is working against my script thus far:

It is a human drama -- you know, about people that might actually seem real.
There are no explosions planned. Anywhere.
There is internal conflict. Which only the unimaginative cannot find some way to produce that visually.
There are no absurd plot-twists-for-the-sake-of-sensationalizing.
The lead character is female.

The last one pisses me off the most. But Thursday I pitched my idea to the class, and the bottom line seemed to be that Screenwriting Professor said it sounded like a made-for-TV movie -- because obviously this idea is meant for Lifetime if the male is the supporting actor. For the love of God. No wonder film is such a man-dominated world. What woman would want to work in an environment where writing about one might get you kicked out of the club and possibly out of a job?

I'm not used to working in a film program that puts so much esteem in what Hollywood produces.

But it doesn't matter. Obviously the only places my screenplays will have a chance will be in Europe. And I'm only half joking.

I don't know. I just hate it.

Becoming the Handy Woman

2007-06-27T09:29:00.000-05:00

In the course of the past few days, it seems that I have started to become the handy person around the house. I find this highly amusing. One, because I'm really not that handy. Two, because I am the youngest person in the house. At least one person living here is old enough to be my mother. Two more are at least thirty, I would guess.

But since I've been here, I've helped two people with internet connections. I have loaned out supplies, and there are some that are fascinated by the fact that I do keep a useful hammer-turns-into-multiple-screwdrivers-of-different-sizes that once belonged to my great-grandfather; I've already used it once. The sixth person finally arrived, and she has had an interesting time, I think. I helped her carry her things in on Sunday afternoon, and helped her find her way around the house and areas where we sort of had a system going (like in the kitchen). She somehow got the impression that I was the person who knew everything, which is hardly the case. But she has also requested if I would go with her sometime to find a health food store because she does not trust herself to follow directions. And the first night I let her borrow my alarm clock since I did not need to get up at a specific time. The woman jokingly says that she is going to have to be my personal slave into the afterlife, but she has been helping me with my screenplay troubles (which I don't really feel like discussing at the moment, thank you). She used to teach screenwriting, and is now here for the summer in the playwriting program.

But in any case, I am still here. The classes are ok, though I am not happy with the screenwriting class at the moment. Hopefully things will be looking better by the end of the week. And hopefully I will get the films and materials that German Professor has hopefully sent me by now soon (since she is leaving today for Germany). And that, if nothing else, I find a way to make use of the time even if class isn't the only thing occupying it, as I sort of imagined it would.

But I guess I should get some work done.

One Week In

2007-06-23T15:36:00.000-05:00

And things here are business as usual, I guess. There is a little reading to do this weekend, but honestly not that much. Nothing that is going to occupy my every waking moment or anything like that.

The others in the house have mostly just been doing their own thing. There really has not been that much socializing outside of class as German Film Professor indicated there would be.

The Images of Women in Film Class is good. I like GFP as a professor. But it is fairly straightfoward, and seems almost exactly like what I just spent a chunk of last semester doing.

I don't know how I feel about the screenwriting class or Screenwriting Professor. We have two texts for the class that basically encourage one to write scripts to formula. Hollywood formula. I came here with a couple of ideas for writing scripts, but now I'm almost certain that I don't want to use them, as I really don't want to put them through the Hollywood absurdity treatment. Sigh. He also assured us at the start of the class that he would be referencing The Godfather ad nauseum in the class. So I just got back to the room a little while ago after sitting in the library screening room and watching that seemed suspiciously like a bunch of grumpy old men having a certain appendage-waving contest. I could understood that film as classic cinema from a technical and structural perspective, but otherwise I didn't get it. Must be a guy thing.

There is a film screening later tonight. I guess I'll go to that. I think we're seeing a rough cut of a new film based on Winesburg, Ohio, which I actually know a little something about. I'll be interested to see how they bring the sort of episodic structure of the book into the film, if they do at all.

Gamer Guy told me earlier today that he missed me. That doesn't help things.

German Professor is sending me stuff. I think she's even sending me some other films to watch. That'll help. I at least can't waste the time while I'm here. She leaves Wednesday for Germany.

I guess that's about all I have to say at the moment.

Today I Have

2007-06-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

Read for approximately six hours, broken into four and two hour segments.

Written for another two hours or so, not broken up.

Occasionally eaten.

Gone to a film screening. Which actually wasn't as terrible as I thought it might be.

Wondered why the hell I am here.

Called Gamer Guy.

Taken a shower.

And now need to write some more.

Time

2007-06-19T20:01:00.000-05:00

It seems odd to think that a year ago today, I was on a plane headed to Germany. There is a small portion of me that wishes this was also the case today.

I just finished for today with my two classes. I think I might be in trouble.

A Comparison from Yesterday

2007-06-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I called my mother when I arrived at University A State Away and got my stuff moved in and settled. The call lasted about fifteen minutes. She had been confused about the day that I was leaving, and was surprised to find me already there. But otherwise she didn't say much. I tried to tell her a little about the experience so far, but this was often interrupted by her talking to Cute Baby Cousin over me. Her attention was obviously elsewhere. I managed to ask her about a cell phone technicality before I knew that I had completely lost her. I was forced to carry on a conversation with CBC, who is still adorable. It just wasn't the best timing. By the time the call was over, I found myself feeling as though I hadn't really spoken to anyone. Like I had failed to breach whatever wall was there between the phone lines.

Later, I called German Professor. I didn't really expect her to answer, but I had not heard from her via email, and I had sent her an email some time prior to me being in Musical City and traveling to UASA. But she did answer, and immediately had to tell me about the trip she had just returned from in The City I Call Home to visit an aunt of hers that has the police and fire department after her for various rather comical reasons, and who also tried to make GP eat some unidentifiable substance from her refrigerator on her sandwich. I laughed until I couldn't breathe. She told me about some family history she had discovered that was also German-related with an uncle of hers and a girlfriend he had in Germany during the Nazi period. Both were Jewish. She hasn't read all of the letters yet that she took from her aunt's house, so I don't know how the story ends, though I fear that it isn't a happy ending, since the uncle married GP's aunt instead of said girlfriend he corresponded with.

We talked about where I was and the program itself. I told her about the classes I'm taking. I confessed to her about being somewhat terrified about the whole thing. She decided to half-jokingly tell me a story she used to read as a kid about an elephant who showed rainbow colors on his skin sometimes, and was afraid people would make fun of him for it...or something like that. But she said that, in the end, his colors were beautiful. She made a remark about me walking around feeling like I have a huge sign on my back that says: I'm still an undergrad. I couldn't help but laugh at the silliness of the story.

We talked about her plans for the coming weeks. She is leaving soon for her sabbatical, much of which she will be spending in Germany. I promised to make sure that her cat was being well taken care of. We talked about a book we'd read in class and how I was still thinking about parts of it that seemed semi-relevant to my life.

She made a point of getting serious and telling me to watch the substances getting passed around -- alcoholic and otherwise, and not to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. And to be careful.

She asked me to do her proud. The phone call literally lasted an hour.

I would say that there is something wrong with the way these two phone calls went -- or at least with how the first one went compared to the second. But that wouldn't do any good. So I won't.

The Imposter

2007-06-18T19:58:00.001-05:00

Tonight there was a gathering on campus hosted by the provost to celebrate the start of the program. Everyone from all of the summer programs was invited to come. I walked over to the house with another student living in the house here with me, who I have sort of befriended in the course of the day. She is originally from Argentina, but has lived in America for a while now, I think. I will give her a name soon.

We were served an assortment of "party foods," and there was plenty of beer and wine to be found. I stuck with a Coke. I'm not a drinker. In any case, I sat down at a table with fellow house mate and a smattering of other people involved in the film studies and children's literature programs. We were talking and eating and laughing and generally having a good time. It didn't take much for me to realize that I was most certainly the youngest one at the table. Many of the students here are well-established adults that already have some other kind of career.

Another person at the table noticed that I was not drinking alcohol. He asked if I was 21. And I told him (and the rest of the table) that I was only 20. Film Noir Housemate (that can be her name) instantly started laughing and said she didn't believe me.

"Ok, then, confession time," I said. "I'm still an undergrad. I don't have my degree. I was accepted here a year early."

There was a little more laughter. FNH seemed a little surprised.

"After all this time! Why didn't you tell me?" she said, jokingly.

"Yeah, I'm just an imposter. I'm not really a grad student."

The conversation went on its way, but I found that I was still a part of it. Tables shuffled. FNH and I meandered around a little. Other professors passed by where we sat. And I had to explain more than once why I was not a regular student.

At one point, FNH actually asked me what my IQ was. I told her that I had no idea. I think maybe I've impressed her. Or scared her.

This is what I get for being the imposter.

The Arrival

2007-06-17T14:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, after the wedding had come to a close and the bridal party had relocated to the back of the chapel for picture-taking, my father arrived in my little blue car to take me to University A State Away. Gamer Guy, Gamer Guy's Mom and I went to meet him. He got out of the car and helped me load my bag and dress clothes into the car, and then he and GG'sM walked into the shade to introduce themselves and talk while GG and I had our "goodbye". I wish I could say it was something spectacular or something straight out of the movies, but it really didn't go that way. Mostly it involved me holding on to him for dear life and squinting so that I didn't start to cry and leave tear drops all over his new charcoal-gray suit. He's a very understanding guy -- that Gamer Guy. I was ok until he kissed me on the cheek right before walking away.

I'm useless. I know this. It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't absolutely terrified. And it's not even that I don't think I can be away from people for six weeks. I have already proven that by putting an ocean between the people that I care about and me.

But I'm an undergrad. Apparently going to grad school without a BA. They've taken me on faculty recommendations, my application and transcript and nothing else. They've not even seen my work. No pressure.

Late last night, after taking turns driving, Dad and I arrived at the hotel we were going to stay at for the night. There we were only accosted by the spirit of one very angry air conditioning unit. Otherwise, it was a nice night.

This morning, we drove to the local airport for Dad to pick up his rental. Then we came over to UASA. The GPS unit we had been using almost got us lost, which wasn't good. Not when I was the one trying to lead with the GPS unit. Go figure that the directions would be wrong.

I met German Film Professor in person. He seems like a really nice guy, and was very understanding when I came back to the grad center after not being able to find room 102 in the house where I am living for the next six weeks. Apparently the room has been given that designation only recently, because I am currently sitting in a room simply labeled "B". This is room 102. We all three had a good laugh about this.

After we got my stuff inside and started unpacking a little, Dad and I took a trip downtown, only to find most everything still closed. So we had lunch a little farther outside of town at a chain restaurant with actually semi-decent food. That was when we were both reminded that it was Father's Day. Neither one of us had cared to remember this morning.

We made a stop to let me pick up a few food items so that I wouldn't starve to death tonight. Nobody else had arrived in the house yet, though I was hoping that maybe they would want to sometimes have meals together or something.

Then Dad needed to leave to get home. It is about a seven hour drive, and he is leaving with the rest of the family in the morning for vacation -- where he will also do a great deal of driving. I walked him back to his rental car. I had been ok up until this point. Then he started his "if you need anything" speech.

At some point during yesterday and today, I had realized that I have the best father in the world. And so at a very inopportune moment, I started to cry. Right when he was trying to leave. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't crying because I didn't want him to leave or that I was afraid of being here. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't crying because I was afraid. I wanted to tell him I was crying because I had realized that I have the best father in the world, and that all I was doing with him for Father's Day was getting me moved into another school and sending him on a seven hour drive home, having made a seven hour drive yesterday, and having to make a thirteen hour drive tomorrow.

But I couldn't say one damn word. Not. One. Damn. Word.

And then he left. And I have been here alone ever since. No one else has arrived at the house.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Time to go

2007-06-14T15:18:00.001-05:00

Well, almost.

I'm getting ready to leave soon again for the Musical City so that I might attend the wedding this weekend before driving on to the University A State Away. The car is basically packed. Except I need to put the laptop away.

There has been a great epic in procuring new glasses this week that I could actually see out of, but perhaps I can blog more on that later.

Of course, I may be at UASA before I see blogging time again.

Here's to a new adventure....I hope.

Things to do

2007-06-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

I made it back from the Musical City late Sunday evening. All with Gamer Guy is well, except that his family is preparing for a wedding, which I am planning on attending even though I need to leave that same day for the University A State Away.

But my last few days here at home are going to be pretty much packed. For one, there's packing to do. I also need to take my new glasses back; looking at computer screens is killing me because something is definitely just slightly wrong with the prescription. I hate that. You don't know if you're crazy, just hallucinating, or if something is actually wrong. There are a few relatives to visit. And a few other errands to run. There's a paper to revise from my literary trip. I hope. I need to get it finished before I leave.

I have managed to see a few films recently, too. I recommend Little Miss Sunshine, The Pursuit of Happiness, and Nausicaa. I don't recommend The Good German; Tobey Maguire as a really bad guy just doesn't cut it. In case anyone is interested.

To the Musical City

2007-06-08T12:05:00.000-05:00

In about twenty minutes or so, I will be off on my mini road trip to the Musical City for the weekend. Gamer Guy is working until this afternoon, but Gamer Guy's Mom is going to be around if he is not. So I'm really hoping one of them will be there when I arrive. If I arrive. I have printed Gamer Guy's directions which are basically absent of exit numbers. Hopefully I will make it.

As to what plans they have made for the weekend: who knows?

But I am going. A week from tomorrow, I will be on my way to University A State Away. There is a pendulum inside me at the moment, and I keep swinging back and forth between utter terror and excitement. Let's just hope I'm not in over my head.

The Entertainment

2007-06-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

As soon as I knew for sure that I had been accepted into the program at University A State Away, I went on to Amazon.com and started looking for and ordering the books that I need to have for the two classes I will be taking. One is a screenwriting class, and the other is a class about the depiction of women in film. I'm sure I will be kept busy, especially since the document that was sent to me informed me that I would be ordering a total of nine books. The screenwriting class requires three, the women and film class requires five, and there was one more at the bottom of the page that everyone is required to have. So nine books. All I've got to say is that they better assign reading out of every single one. Three of the books are screenplays. One of them is a film encyclopedia; that will probably be a nice addition to my film library. (If only my bookshelves weren't overflowing.) The rest of them involve a couple of guides for writing screenplays and some specific books about feminist film criticism and women and the media. It sounds like a lot to digest.

But that's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that it doesn't look like I'm going to get all of the books before I need to leave. Only two are coming specifically from Amazon; those have been shipped and should be here next week. The rest I ordered from people on the Amazon marketplace. I found the books for loads cheaper, but I also paid for expedited shipping, because the regular shipping left too large a window for the books to arrive after I would already need to be at UASA. So far, two of those orders have shipped, meaning I've got five books floating around somewhere that haven't shipped. All of them estimated they would ship by today. I ordered them Tuesday. Groan.

(Of course, the funny part of this is that I ordered Gamer Guy's birthday present last night, with no-rush shipping, and it has already shipped as of several hours ago. He'll probably get it while I'm there this weekend.)

The other entertaining part of all of this is that I'm supposed to be in Musical City for a wedding on the Saturday before the classes start (they begin on the 19th). Dad does not want me to just drive there by myself, so we have been debating how we might get myself to The Next State Over and limiting the amount of driving that Dad has to do, as he and the family are leaving that Monday for their vacation. I'm not sure I'm going to make it to the wedding. Dad found out he couldn't rent a one-way car, so he has looked at maybe flying himself home and then back when the program ends. I offered to drive myself there -- that I would be ok. But Dad says he doesn't want me to do that. He wants to help me see this through. There are days I can't hardly believe it. I've also said that I didn't think anyone would be too offended if I didn't make it to the wedding, but Dad and Stepmom both have said that I should go if at all possible.

But this weekend I'm not going to think about it too much. I'm just going to drive to the Musical City, spend some time with Gamer Guy, and enjoy my last bit of time to relax before I head off for an adventure that could be a lot to handle.

UPDATE: Ok, one book miraculously made it here this evening. I have no idea how. Hopefully the others will start arriving soon.

The State of Things/My Horoscope

2007-06-05T18:40:00.000-05:00

In the past week or so, I have managed to turn my summer upside down and maybe a little bit sideways too.

It all started while I was away on my trip to New England. German Professor called me the first day that we were out adventuring and left a message for me to call her -- she had news to share with me. So I called her while I was at Walden Pond. It was while I was meandering down a path in the midst of trees just a stone's throw away from the edge of the water that she informed me that she had communicated with a professor from University A State Away, which was a place where I had been reading about a summer graduate program in screenwriting and film studies. I had shown her the place, mainly because several of the professors seemed to have an interest in the German cinema as well.

All that aside, she told me that she had communicated with this professor, and that he would be willing to entertain an application from me for this summer for the six week program -- even though I am still just an undergrad. The news made me stop in my tracks and tremble a little bit. And maybe a breath got caught in my throat. And maybe -- when I started to move again -- I tripped my way up a small incline while still talking to her. But there the offer was passed along.

At first, I wasn't sure that was something I wanted. At the same time I got her voicemail message, I got another from my father saying that I was supposed to be getting a job offer in the next day or two, and to keep my phone on as much as possible. I told German Professor I would think about it, not having much intention to do so. The summer is usually the one time during the year that I try to make money so that I'm not stressing over a job while I'm doing class work. So I let it go for a bit.

Then a few days later, while still on New England trip, I got the message on my phone that the job offer was not going to happen -- that the place had no positions open. I thought about calling the professor from UASA, but I didn't have his number and my internet access was limited. So I held out on another hope for employment and let the matter go.

But then something started to happen. Maybe I was having literary overload. Maybe I just wasn't enjoying the trip as much as I thought I would. Maybe my confusion about what I'm going to be doing this next school year and the year after that started to catch up with me. But on one of the later days of the trip, I stepped outside the restaurant where we were all having lunch and called German Professor again. I was just generally not feeling very happy and I couldn't really put my finger on the reason behind it. But I talked to her again. She suggested I call him.

So, while standing outside the Emily Dickinson house in Amherst, I gave German Film Professor a call. We chatted for probably 20 minutes or more. He described the program in detail to me, calling it more of an "immersion" experience than just classes, because there are many things offered to the students and professors outside of class to do. He mentioned again and again how GP had "spoken very highly of me" and that he was willing to let me come take classes and be a part of the experience. He actually seemed very positive and upbeat about the idea of me going. He gave me the person I had to contact to start the process, and that was that.

I ended up needing two more letter of recommendation for the program. GP's email counted as one. Thankfully, Film Professor and American Lit. Professor came through for me (FP was even out of the country at the British Film Institute at the time). I also sent them a transcript. I filled out an application for housing.

Today everything came back as official. Thanks to the professors that sent those letters for me, UASA is going to let me in, and take graduate classes this summer as an undergrad. I still don't know what GP said to this GFP to make this happen, but mostly it was her starting the whole thing. I would have never even thought to ask. In fact, I think she might have asked me if I wanted her to do that, and I think I gave her a funny look and said, "Don't bother."

She never listens.

So, what does this mean for me? It means that I get to go and hopefully have a very cool experience working with film and writing screenplays and stuff for the summer. Hopefully the graduate work won't be too much for me to handle. I am rather terrified about this, but I'm trying not to let that stop me.

It also means that I am apparently not going to have a job, at least not until I come back. I guess I need to call about getting something on campus next semester.

It also means that I have messed up the family's vacation plans, because I was supposed to go with them to Florida the same week that the program starts. Sigh. Gamer Guy was supposed to go as well, and now I don't guess he'll be going either. Sigh.

Gamer Guy is also going to have to do without me for most of the summer as well. It was somewhat sad. He came to The Lake this past weekend because the family and I came down. By Saturday night we were huddled under a blanket together, plotting like little school kids do with each other for when we might see each other next. I'm leaving Friday for the Musical City for the weekend. It won't be bad, though I was hoping to see him a little more than what I'm going to get to now.

I've also had some less-than-enthusiastic response from certain family members who need not be named because in the end it doesn't matter. I guess they thought I would stop with going to college for a Bachelor's degree two hours from home. I hate to tell them that if/when I go to grad school, it will not be in the same state where they live.

But in spite of all of this, something in my gut says I need to take this opportunity to experience this while it is there. I need to know if this is something I want to do. And having done something like this will only help me in the future.

Today, I was reading the paper and came across my horoscope. I am a Leo, and the paper said:

Maybe it's not what you know, but who you know that makes you a smashing success and adorable, too. Nah. You're smart.

I think my horoscope is a bit too presumptuous; it probably is the people I know that have helped me to have successes such as this one (I hope it's a success). But I don't guess Leos are known for their modesty, are they?

Whales! (also especially for MindSpin)

2007-06-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

We took a day to go whale-watching with Captain Bill and Sons in Gloucester, Massachusetts.
The boat ride out onto the Atlantic took nearly an hour. We were far out -- nothing but ocean on all sides.
The whales were somewhat elusive. Or maybe just camera shy. They were social enough to come right up next to the boat, but knew when to surface exactly so that my pictures always turned out somewhat crummy. I have many, many pictures of nothing more than agitated water.

We saw several different little pods of them while we were out. Many of them were feeding; they were baleen whales -- the kind that trap little things to eat in the baleen inside their mouths instead of having teeth.
Oh, finally. Squirrely Jedi managed to catch a fluke on film...or digital memory card. Whatever.

It was cool to watch. The water would turn that sort of greenish color, and then they would surface, sometimes several at a time, mouths open wide. The seagulls also followed them, and the boat followed them to find the whales.

This last picture is of a baby whale that came right up next to the boat. He stayed with us for several minutes, just swimming and turning in the water, showing us his fins and halfway expecting us to play, I believe. When his mother, who was feeding nearby, called him back, the boat captain cut the engine and waited to see him safely with his mother before he started our return trip. Overall, it was a very fun day.

Historic Houses, a Tour for MindSpin

2007-06-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

Above and below are two homes from the Dickinson estate. The top one belonged to Austin and the bottom one was where the rest of the family lived. It was a shame that neither one of them were in that great of condition on the inside.

In Hartford, Connecticut, we visited both the Harriet Beecher Stowe house (above), and Mark Twain's famous "Steamboat House" (below), which are right next to each other.

This was Melville's house at his Arrowhead Farm in Pittsfield, Massachusetts -- where he finished Moby Dick.
The Longfellow House -- residing near Harvard University's campus.
The House of the Seven Gables -- which had a secret passageway added to it after the fact to intrigue visitors and remind them of the book.
The farmhouse at Fruitlands -- the site of Bronson Alcott's failed experiment to create a utopian society and where his daughters nearly died from malnutrition and attempting to keep the farm running while Daddy and his intellectual peers sat in the back room and philosophized -- conveniently forgetting that, you know, they might have to grow a little food to stay there, too.
The above is a picture of Ralph Waldo Emerson's house. This tour was probably the best one that we had while we were gone. His house is still alive with something like his presence, and that could very well be because there are still descendants alive that take care of the house.
The Wayside -- a house that was lived in by both the Hawthornes and the Alcotts.
The Orchard House -- home of the Alcotts.
And -- last but not least -- The Old Manse, which was owned by the Emersons and lived in by the Hawthornes for a little while. It was amazing to see where Sophia had etched inscriptions into some of the window panes with her wedding ring.

But, as is probably obvious, we saw many houses on the trip.

The Strange Turn

2007-06-01T00:10:00.000-05:00

It is a little after one AM here, and I am just now contemplating crawling into bed. The evening has taken a rather strange turn, and I have just now begin to feel as though I can give up my watch for the night.

Earlier this afternoon, Dad came home from being out working and running errands. When I came in, he was on the couch. He said he wasn't feeling well. Time progressed, and he said he wasn't feeling any better. Dark-Haired Grandmother and I had dinner plans, but we ended up taking P and G with us so Dad wouldn't have to cook for them because he was in his room lying down. He said that his stomach was hurting and that he didn't feel well.

When we got back, he didn't seem to be any better at all. In fact, he seemed a little worse. He couldn't even stand up straight for the pain. He finally asked to be taken to the immediate care center -- something Dad never does -- and so DHG left me at the house with P and G.

And so the evening dragged on. They were referred to the ER. And much waiting was involved. Stepmom, who had been planning to stay at The Lake tonight since we were supposed to join her tomorrow afternoon, ended up coming home and going to the hospital.

The diagnosis? Exactly what I had feared it was when he started describing his symptoms to me: appendicitis.

But the only reason I am going to bed is because I got the call from Stepmom saying that he was out of surgery and in recovery and that he is going to be ok. The doctor is going to see him in the morning and eventually release him, and he should get to come home tomorrow.

Gamer Guy was supposed to meet us at The Lake. I think -- barring any huge objections from Dad or Stepmom -- that he is going to drive here tomorrow afternoon instead. Poor soul. I tried to lessen his drive.

But Dad is ok. For that I am quite relieved.

Pictures of Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, also for MindSpin

2007-05-31T15:26:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, we did visit during the day. But it was during the early morning hours, so that made it somewhat better. Though I think going in the evening might have been a bit nicer -- certainly more haunted.

Henry David Thoreau has a very unassuming tombstone. That seems somehow fitting.

Emerson's tombstone is a bit more elaborate. That also seems somehow fitting.

It was certainly one of the most beautiful cemeteries I had ever seen -- right up there with Arlington but with a somewhat different style and atmosphere.

But an evening visit might have been more fitting.

Images of Walden Pond, especially for MindSpin

2007-05-30T22:22:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite places we visited during the trip -- by far, and we did so at the end of our first day in Concord. I could have stayed there for hours more. The pictures really don't do the place justice. At all.

I have returned

2007-05-28T11:40:00.000-05:00

I made it back from the Literary New England trip late Saturday evening. I have been spending my time corresponding via email to a smattering of people and attempting to unpack my belongings from the trip as well as what I never unpacked from the semester before I had to leave on said Literary New England trip.

As for the trip itself? It was ok. There were good things that we did, such as making a too-short trip to Walden Pond and taking a day to go whale-watching in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Visiting Emerson's house was worthwhile; one felt as though the house were actually "real" and that Emerson would have recognized the place -- unlike several of the places we visited, such as Emily Dickinson's home (such a shame). Then there was the odd bit of "van drama" between the two groups of us and what seemed to me to be plenty of wasted time leaving locations that took forever to drive to just to go back to the place where we were staying to do nothing. But maybe I'm just a different sort of traveler.

In any case, I am glad to be back, and will probably post some of the better pictures here soon once I go through them to send some to a student for his project.

But I am back. And it feels good to blog again, even if there isn't much coming to mind right now.

Over

2007-05-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

I had my last final this morning. Yesterday I managed to finish the film theory paper. Roommate is now completely gone, her side of the room bare except for a few of my things I have set there in the process of packing.

Practically all of my belongings are packed up now as well. Everything is down off the walls except for two posters that Dad is bringing me a poster tube for in the morning. The clothes are all packed, the books in their crate, the paperwork put into a tub and my backpack.

Gamer Guy left today as well. I helped him and his mom move his things out of the room. Tonight it has been just me. The university screwed us over by ending meal plans today right before dinner, thus making it impossible for us to use our last meal plan. What else is new? So I ordered some Chinese food and kept packing. I was going to start taking things to the car, but then it started to rain. And rain. And rain. It rained so hard that I couldn't see anything out the window. So most everything is still sitting in the middle of the floor.

And it is over. Classes are done. It doesn't quite seem real. Next year everything will be different. And in less than two days' time I will be on a plane on my way to New England for two weeks. Hopefully I'll have a job when I get back.

But I'm trying to spend my last night here without going too crazy. It's just strange not having anyone around. In an attempt to distract myself, I watched Spiderman on TV while I was packing earlier. Now I am watching Revenge of the Sith, mostly to kill time before I can go to bed. Because I'm not sleepy yet.

Oh well. It just seems kind of strange -- for it to be over.

Almost Over

2007-05-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday, and my film theory final is due to be emailed to Film Professor today. The question: What is cinema? Yeah, I'm ready to have a break from theory for a little bit. No doubt this essay will be something only someone who teaches film theory could enjoy reading, if one could enjoy it at all.

And the packing process has begun. Sigh. Roommate is already gone, a final load of her belongings waiting for her to come get later tonight. She graduates on Saturday.

Sigh.

The Bon Voyage Party

2007-05-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I have even blogged about this yet, but I am taking a trip with a group from the university right after school is over for course credit. We are traveling to "literary New England," and plan to hit some highlights of important locations in the realm of American fiction. We're stopping at Walden Pond, Nantucket Island, Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, and so on. That sort of trip. It's going to be for two weeks. And I'm hoping that it's going to be awesome. American Lit Professor is the one in charge of it, and he has been doing all sorts of work to get this trip planned and to get the trip to be very affordable: $1500 (including campus tuition) plus food. And I think basically everyone on the trip has gotten some sort of scholarship too.

But tonight ALP and his wife hosted a Bon Voyage party. We are leaving this Sunday -- as I said, right after the semester is over -- and will be gone until the 26th of May. Let this be the warning that there may not be much in the way of blogging then, because we are all having to blog as part of the course requirement while we are there. But perhaps I shall save some things worth posting for when I return, and I hope to post some (what I hope will be) cool pictures as well.

But to the party. I should not have been surprised when I arrived at ALP's house, but I was a little bit. He identified it by the hedge that surrounds it which he refers to as "The Wailing Wall". The front lawn was big enough that there was a bit of driveway to traverse, but his house is right across the street from campus, so it made for a nice walk there in the evening. Some others arrived when I got there as well, and we made our way into the back yard. There we found ALP stationed at an electric piano, deftly tapping out a melody while some that had already arrived sat around and chatted. He was sitting there in his light blue shirt, light blue and white corduroys, and white shoes. It was as if he had stepped out of the 1950s jazz club and into 21st century BG with an electric piano on a back patio. I couldn't help but smile.

When we were all gathered, including English Department Head and Honors Program Director, ALP made a toast to the trip, and actually toasted it with champagne. There were drinks of all sorts and he and his wife had prepared "party food" sort of menu. I think everyone had offered and they told everyone "not to bring anything, but just come."

Later, when we had long finished and several people had already left, ALP offered a group of us the tour of the house. It was originally built in 1919. And it was amazing. Hardwood flooring everywhere. ALP himself had rewired and redone all of the electricity and lighting in the house, and made a point of showing us the many little things he had done on his own. They had also put together a studio for his wife, who is an artist, in what was I assume the attic of the house. But it is now a beautiful loft with skylights and a little spiral staircase that leads to it. And of course there were floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in numerous places, one set specifically children's books for his grandchildren. The man never ceases to amaze me.

But it was a nice night, and a nice break from the end-of-semester junk that still isn't finished. Suddenly, I am feeling somewhat more excited about leaving right after the semester ends on this trip.

A Trip to the Movies

2007-05-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

I had not gone to a theater to see a movie in a while. Well, not since spring break. For a film person that is a while, I think. At least, it felt like a while to me. But to be honest I do most of my film viewing either in classes or in the comfort of my own little half of a dorm room. Dad and Stepmom had given Gamer Guy and me some gift certificates to the local theater chain around Christmas time, and we had yet to use them. I can't say that there are many films that come to this town that I actually want to see. Crappy film distribution.

But today Gamer Guy and I decided to have an afternoon out and get away from the finals preparation for a little while. So we went to the movies. The film on the agenda? Spider-man 3. Perhaps that sounds a little too mainstream for the college kid film studies student. But we have to have breaks from heavy duty analysis too. Believe me. I just wrote an entire paper about it. And so I sat with GG for 2.5 hours and watched the wall-crawler do his thing.

Overall, the film wasn't terrible. It wasn't great, either. I think they almost managed to jam too much plot into that 2.5 hours, if such a thing were possible. With three different "villain" characters, there was a lot to get through. Maybe a little too much. But it was a typical superhero movie, and that was perhaps all it needed to be to make the afternoon a good one.

So now it is off to bed. And tomorrow it is preparation for finals. The toughest ones are coming first.

A Gift

2007-05-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

So, this morning I'm supposed to be working on my third and final paper for Film Theory that is due some time tomorrow. But I haven't gotten there this morning. There was the epic struggle to make myself push the covers back and actually climb out of bed. Then I had to get dressed and fix the hair that was sticking out in two or three different directions. Then the stomach was demanding to be filled with something, so I made oatmeal. Roommate went off to class. Then I called home to check on the summer job situation and chat with Dad for a bit.

At the end of the call, he asked me if I had gotten anything in the mail yesterday. I told him I didn't think so. Roommate normally checks the mail when she comes in from class because she gets finished before I do. She hadn't said anything. But taking the conversation as an obvious hint that there was something downstairs intended for me, I got off the phone and walked down to the lobby in my Mickey Mouse slippers. Sure enough, there was something for me.

Flowers. And a big balloon that says "Congratulations". Stepmom was in BG yesterday, and dropped them off for me while I was gone to class. Stepmom's so cool :->.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!

2007-04-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

My thesis defense is tomorrow, which just happens to be May Day, or used to be.

But in my current situation, I think the distress signal is more appropriate. The fact that American Lit Professor called it "May Day" but was not specific about which mayday he meant is a source for some comic relief.

Get me outta here.

Blessing in Disguise?

2007-04-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

So, this Saturday I was home for the weekend, Gamer Guy in tow. We had made a trip out to dreaded T-ville to visit my great-grandmother, since I had not been able to see her on her birthday and our last visit had been some time ago. (Damn college eating up my time.) Dark-Haired Grandmother was also there when we went to visit.

At one point, we were interrupted by my phone ringing. I answered it and, to my great surprise, found that it was New Circuit Clerk -- the taker-over of DHG's job -- who was calling me on a Saturday afternoon.

Ok, I'll confess. I had turned in an application for the summer, purely because I thought this not-so-great-state might allow her summer help for sure, seeing as though it is to be her first summer on the job. Plus, the other co-workers that I liked are still there, and I thought that, maybe just one more summer wouldn't be so bad working there at the courthouse, especially since my botched attempts at summer plans had left me with few other options.

I had been attempting to get into contact with NCC for a couple of weeks. There are only two weeks left in the regular semester and, though I'm taking a trip with a class right afterward for two weeks, I needed to have some form of employment lined up. But she was quite elusive; the others said she was always in court or dealing with the judge or having to take off in the afternoon to address some problem.

So she called me on a Saturday afternoon. The conversation didn't last that long. She just wanted to tell me that it had taken her a little while to learn anything from the state about having employment. Then she went on to tell me that one of her cousins has a daughter and the cousin wanted the daughter to work for her and blah blah blah. But in any case, she had decided to let the cousin have the job. She was worried that I would be upset or disappointed. I told her that I was not, that I understood, and the conversation came to a somewhat cheerful end.

Then I broke out into a fit of riotous laughter.

It had become very obvious to me that the courthouse was even more of a madhouse than it had been when I last worked there. They apparently have court almost every day of the week now under the reforms and new system. They always seem busy and getting something done apparently takes forever and it really sounds like they could use some experienced help to come in and keep the work load down.

Instead she's getting a cousin.

Oh well. There are other opportunities for me on the table. I won't be hurting. If NCC wants to dig herself an even bigger hole, then so be it. I won't be there for the fireworks. And I'm glad.

Nine Months

2007-04-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

Wasn't that the title of a film? I can't remember.

Well, there is a little bit worth celebrating today. For one, the German paper got turned in.

But most importantly, Gamer Guy and I can say, as of today, that we have been together nine months. Is it odd if I say that number seems both too few and too many? Don't think I'm trying to get sappy or overly romantic here. I just think it's interesting how one's brain boggles time in one's head. It's been nine months since I got home from Germany. In some ways, the trip seems more like a dream in my mind than a memory. But oh well. It has had positive effects that -- nine months down the road -- are still there.

Thank you, Gamer Guy.

Too Energetic?

2007-04-25T19:56:00.000-05:00

Perhaps I was a little too pumped in the last entry, at least at the end.

The paper will get done, in some fashion or another. The topic sucks. Marriage in literature. Gag.

The reading won't probably happen until tomorrow morning. Oh well.

Hopefully the paper will be finished before then.

It just takes so much more effort to formulate thoughts in German, especially if one wants them to be grammatically correct thoughts. Sigh.

I'm working on it.

When will my madness end?

2007-04-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

So, I had to turn in a paper on Monday for World Lit. class. I knew that this week was going to be crazy, so I began to plan my time accordingly. There is the usual homework to be done for the German cinema class, and I knew I had to have that finished tonight for class tomorrow. I, thankfully, do not have to write a journal in Film Theory this week, so that took a bit off of my load, and there was only time for the texts to be read needed in my planning. The biggie this week is the paper I have to write for the German lit. by women class -- 2.5 to 3 pages (in German, which in time required would translate to probably generating 4-7 pages in English) on how marriages are treated in the stories we have read.

So this morning I knew I needed to do German film stuff, and I finished half of the homework before class. During the lit class, however, German Professor announced that she was going to be watching a film tonight at 5:30 that she is writing about and is part of her research. I told myself that I had too much to do. There was still Film Theory and the film viewing and homework and an English club meeting.

What did I decide, sort of out of the blue in the middle of watching Yes! ? You guessed it. I blew off the English club meeting to finish my German cinema homework and grab food before GP started her film, and then went and watched it. I also got one of the film theory articles read.

The film was strange and interesting and worth it. I stayed and talked with her about it for almost half an hour.

Now I'm back in the room. One article to read for film theory on Thursday. Two pages to read for the German lit class on Thursday (which takes longer than you might think). And a paper to write. Can I do it all before Thursday morning? Yep.

This semester is not going to beat me. I don't care if my thesis defense is a week from today.

Now It's Really Done

2007-04-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

I just got back to the room from the computer lab a little while ago. The thesis is now officially finished. All I have left to do is make multiple copies, bind them in the honors office, and distribute them to the necessary professors that will make up the panel for my defense. Did I mention that my defense is only a week and three days away? Groan....

The finishing-up of the project was not a very satisfying experience in any way, shape, or form. There was the last reading from American Lit Professor and Film Professor, and their comments about pictures and ALP's trashing of my acknowledgments and introduction. Well, maybe it wasn't a trashing. But he managed to use four different colors of ink and essentially sap the personality right out of it.

The final revision/editing session was also a 3+ hour endeavor. Partially because I was almost finished and realized that Microsoft Publisher had somehow done away with at least two (if not four) pages of the thesis somewhere in the middle of the manuscript. Resisting the urge to break down into tears on the spot, I reloaded an earlier save and, thankfully, all the pages were intact. I don't know what happened. Frankly, I don't care. All I've learned from this experience is that Publisher -- like Word -- sucks, except when it comes to manipulating images.

In any case, the battle is now over except for the hour of interrogation with the professors come Tuesday, May 1st. They have both started enthusiastically calling it "May Day." I am not amused. They say that it is tradition that the student be nervous as hell. I couldn't tell if he was saying that meaning that it really wasn't something to be nervous about. Or if I'm just toast.

Of course, there are three other papers due in the next two weeks that can surely take my mind off things a little bit. ;->

It's Done! Sort of

2007-04-17T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today I turned in the "final" draft of my thesis project to American Lit Professor and Film Professor. They are going to look through it a final time and give me any last minute feedback, editing help that they can muster, and then I will have the weekend to make corrections and make an appointment in the honors office to do the final printing and binding.

My oral defense has been scheduled for Tuesday, May 1st, at 9:30 in the morning. Help me. That's only two weeks away. And I'm not sure I'll be ready. I'm really not even sure what it is that I will be defending. And the thing lasts an hour.

Oh well. At least it will be over soon.

Freie Deutsche Jugend

2007-04-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm here. I promise. Still alive.

I was gone for part of Thursday and Friday. The German class went on an "immersion experience" where we got to talk about film and music from the former East Germany with the cultural historian who had come to visit our campus for the week. We were there with students from the Racing University.

While there, we were given t-shirts by our professors for being part of the program. And, honest, they have the emblem for the Freie Deutsche Jugend on them. If you're not familiar with the group, you can find out a little bit more here. Though this still doesn't really tell you much about what it did. This group was what -- I would say -- practically all of the young adults in East Germany were a part of. The younger versions were the Jung Pioneere und Junge Pioneere, which were essentially the East Germany versions of boy and girl scouts but membership was basically compulsory. This is how the little children learned the socialist ideology. I'm sure I'll get interesting looks when I wear this shirt around.

But overall we had a nice time. Gamer Guy and I survived, and we didn't have to go swimming to do so, either. We were at a resort park, and for the most part it was a nice place and the weather was mostly cooperative. We got to go on a small hiking excursion while there.

The Dilemma

2007-04-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow is the day that I get to register for classes for the fall semester. My last fall semester here. I should be finished with my undergrad work at the end of the next school year. I need six hours in film, six hours in English, and twelve hours in German.

There's just one problem.

One of the German classes and one of the film classes are offered at the same time, meaning that I would not be able to get finished in a year, because the film classes offered in the spring are classes that I've already taken. Go figure. The cycle is complete, and I need the two in the fall. I also need every German class that will be offered next year in the upper divisions.

Fucked. Totally fucked.

The English classes, thankfully, are offered every semester, so they don't matter so much. (Listen to me: English classes don't matter. God, what's wrong with me?) So I've been trying to figure out a way to circumvent this problem without having to do yet another independent study project (because I've had enough of that with the thesis). But I haven't come up with a satisfactory solution yet. I've talked to German Professor about maybe studying abroad in the spring semester for all of the German credit, and just taking film and English classes in the fall. She seemed enthused by the idea at first, but by the end of our conversation yesterday I felt more as though she were trying to talk me out of it. She still wanted me to take a German class in the fall, even though she's going on sabbatical and won't be here and the whole purpose of thinking about doing a study abroad would be so that I didn't have to take a German class in the fall. Maybe she's worried about student retention while she's gone, which I think is kind of silly, seeing as though most of us that are majors now will be gone by the time she returns.

Moreover, I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of this happening every single semester. And, to be quite honest, part of me wishes that this year was my last year here, purely because I'm really not looking forward to the classes that I have left to take. I'm not saying that they sound horrendous or anything; I could just take them or leave them.

So I don't know. There's no telling what I might register for in the morning.

An Easter Afternoon

2007-04-08T17:51:00.000-05:00

Earlier this morning, Gamer Guy and I took a ride away from campus out to The Lake. My parents and siblings were there and are going to be there for the week, I think, seeing as P and G are finally getting to have a spring break. They invited GG and me to come have lunch with them for Easter and spend a little time there as a way to get away from campus for a bit. And, with only a few reminders, I was able to remember how to get there.

Dark-Haired Grandmother also made an appearance at The Lake. And China was there as well. She went wild when GG and I came up the stairs. The excitement exhibited by pets is really unparalleled.

But we had a nice afternoon. Stepmom made an awesome lunch, and my grandmother brought some carrot cake for dessert. Dad and Stepmom also sent GG and me back with some Easter candy, so we both will be able to have a chocolate fix for a while.

After we ate, all of us except DHG embarked on a walk down to the dock that Dad and Stepmom have. The water level is still too low for most things, and the dock was resting on dry land. But this also meant that we had a path for walking, what will soon become the bottom of the lake. I took notice of the many types of surfaces there were on this uncovered lake floor. Some places were full of big, heavy rocks -- that of what I would think to be the limestone variety. Other places were stacked with very brittle rocks -- some type of shale, perhaps -- that could be broken into thin, brittle layers of dark gray and bluish rock. It seemed hardly like rock at all. Some of the pieces were huge and formed little stepping stones along the side of the incline of the ground. Further on we came to a spot that was mostly sand and small pebbles -- the closest a lake ever gets to a beach. Strewn along the path were countless tiny white shells. I wondered at how they had gotten there -- if there was something in the lake that would have created them (which I somehow doubted) or if they were remnants from some other ancient period (which also didn't necessarily seem like the right answer, seeing as they were small and white and not attached to rocks or anything). GG and I were entertained by P and G's hijinks along the bank. They even contemplated attempting to role the trunk of an old, dead tree all the way down to the edge of the water. GG and I told them to get a big branch and make a lever. They thought better of it.

Honestly, it was one of the best Easters that I've had in a very long time.

The News is In

2007-04-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

As of a few days ago, that is.

This year I managed to get two pieces accepted into the on-campus literary magazine -- one piece of nonfiction and a poem. w00t! (And to think, I thought my strong point was fiction. Sigh.)

This Tuesday, there is going to be a screening of a film called Gegen die Wand. German Professor was added to the activities board's international film series calendar, apparently without her permission, to be the one to introduce the film. I have, seeing as though I just reported on it in class, also apparently been recruited by her to help in this respect. We shall see how this works out. It is worth watching, if you ever get the chance.

Otherwise, I need to finish film theory stuff and go to bed. I'm tired. Maybe something a little more inspiring will crop up here this weekend.

Taking a Chance

2007-04-03T21:38:00.000-05:00

Today I had a paper due in my Film Theory class. I had been thinking about it and agonizing over it the entire time I was gone to Pittsburgh. Our goal was to address realism and the notion of reality in the cinema. Can film be realistic? Should film be realistic? What makes a film realistic? And so on. It took me a while to nail down an initial idea in the first place. But finally I thought I would take another look at Run Lola Run and address realism through the circular and repeated timeline that exists in the film. I talked to Film Professor about it, and he seemed to like the idea.

But I was having a hard time thinking of a way to relate the scenes to the readings that we had done in class -- a requirement for the paper. Maybe I was just being hesitant. And I hadn't had much time to really think the ideas through. There was so much going on, including said trip where I was unable to get much done in the way of homework. So yesterday afternoon came and I still didn't have a paper started.

Then I went to the German cinema class. We watched a film called Das schreckliche Maedchen, also known by the English title The Nasty Girl. It is about a young woman who decides to enter an essay contest and write about her hometown during the Third Reich. So she begins her research, and the rest of the town is horrified because they know she will learn that her town had actually sympathized with the Nazis instead of resisting them as everyone says they did. Thus, she is stonewalled by many people.

What was important about seeing this particular film had to do with the style of the filming. In many ways, the techniques were not realistic at all. The backdrops to scenes were obviously fake. The lighting was off. The timeline is not linear. The main character also served as a narrator that seemed completely self-aware of the fact that she was a character in a film. In any case, I was fascinated by what was done in the film to make it, for all intents and purposes, not realistic.

When the film ended, German Professor -- who knew that I had a paper due and hadn't written a single word for it -- looked at me and said, "Maybe you should use this film for your paper."

The thought had already coalesced in my brain. I just wasn't sure I could do it in a night. I had at least been thinking about the other film in terms of the paper for a few days. This would be starting off with something totally different that I had barely had time to absorb.

But then I remembered that what I really had was, to put it in terms of another film I like, "a whole lotta nothin'." So I borrowed the tape from GP and ended up starting an essay on the film we watched in class. Don't get the wrong idea. It was a rather difficult task. I still had a hard time relating the reading to what I needed to say, and I was not able to discuss the film through a scene as FP wanted, but rather in a series of scenes and I'm hoping he won't be too picky about that. In any case, after taking some time to actually sleep, I managed to finish the paper around 10:30 this morning. I had time to spell check the thing. But I did not have time to go back and re-read my work very carefully. So I'm hoping that I conveyed my points about realism and reality clearly enough.

So here's to taking a chance from random inspiration. Now I'm off to write about the film (again) for the actual course itself.

I Have Returned

2007-04-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

But there is much to do. The conference went mostly well. There were some good papers and some not so good papers. We got to do a little sightseeing of Pittsburgh. All was mostly well.

But there is much to be done. And a new problem to be dealt with, which may or may not end up being related here. But I intend to do my best.

And so it is back to it again.

Off to Convention....

2007-03-29T05:07:00.000-05:00

You know what kind of sucks? Getting up at 4:30 in the morning so that one has time to travel to airport and then to convention. And then being ready to go earlier than expected. Grrrarrrgghh!!

I guess I'll leave in a few minutes to go meet the others.

Until later.

Long Lost Brother

2007-03-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

When my parents divorced, my mother almost immediately moved in with another man. He had two sons, one of which was a year older than me, the other a year younger. We were three ducks in a row, and for a long time they were the main playmates that I had. I was cut off from my friends in my hometown, and I saw some friends that lived in the city occasionally. But mostly I played with Long Lost Brother and Younger Long Lost Brother. Our parents were planning to get married -- hence their names.

But for reasons which I have never fully understood, largely because I do not believe I was ever really told the truth, the plans for marriage were suddenly halted. Suddenly, Mom and I were out of their house and moved into an apartment nearby. Suddenly LLB and YLLB weren't talking to me anymore. And when the school year ended and Mom and I moved back to T-ville, that was the last I saw of them.

Until I was ten. One night I am certain that I saw them in a department store. There were looking at movies or CDs or video games, both wearing the Starter jackets that were so popular at the time, both with caps pulled down low over their eyes. I was in the aisle nearby, alone, my mother off looking at something else. But I heard one of them call the other's name. I walked over, and I am pretty sure that I said their names, leaving a question hanging in the air. And they looked at me, turned, and ran from the aisle, most likely to tell their father that they had seen me. That was when I first knew that all was not as it had seemed to my seven-year-old self.

I haven't seen them since. When I was 11, I read in the newspaper one day that YLLB had died while rollerblading near his house. He lost control of himself skating down a neighbor's driveway, and couldn't stop himself from rolling out onto the road. The driveway was in a curve, and an oncoming pickup truck with a trailer was not able to stop so suddenly. I wrote LLB a letter then, and asked my mother to send it to him for me. To this day, I am fairly certain that my letter never reached him. Because I think he would have answered.

Sometimes I still think about LLB. In my high school academic endeavors, I came across some people that knew him, and I would tell them part of the story -- that he was my brother for a little while. I always wondered what his life had been like after Mom and my departure. Maybe it was strange that I would sometimes wonder what he was doing, what he was interested in, what he did in his spare time, whether or not he still played video games or thought the Ninja Turtles were cool. I didn't try to contact him anymore. I was fairly certain something else was the matter in this situation. To this day, I still don't know what, precisely. But it was enough just to know that something else must have gone very, very wrong, and because the parents suffered, we had to suffer too.

Last night, I think I found him on MySpace. It was strange to see him -- a man. I don't think I would have recognized him if I saw him on the street. He likes country music; it blared out of my laptop when his page loaded. He doesn't like reading. But he likes to fish and lives in Phoenix, Arizona now. It's kind of funny. His mother lived in Arizona at the time when Mom and I were in the picture. And I was never very fond of his father. I always imagined that he had decided to leave and go to be with his mom in Arizona -- those times that I would think about him and wonder where his life had taken him. His occupation listed says 'rodeo clown'. I don't know if that' s meant in jest or if it's really true. At first, I thought that completely different from what I would have imagined him doing. But the more I think about it, the more I think that it suits him -- whether true or a joke. I always thought he would go to Arizona, and now he has.

My long lost brother is a cowboy.

Random side note: I'm off tomorrow to Pittsburgh for an English honors society convention where I'm reading a piece of creative non-fiction and a literary analysis of Frankenstein. So I may not be back to blogging until Sunday or Monday.

The Appointment

2007-03-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

So, maybe contrary to what those that knew about it may or may not have believed would happen, I did keep my appointment to go to the counseling center this morning. Got up early and everything. Walked myself up the hill to the office in the Building Where I Always Hate Going for Totally Unrelated Reasons, climbed the stairs to the top floor, and went into the office. And waited. There was something very unreal about that for me. I flipped through a European art book. There was a small table sitting in front of me with puzzles sitting on it. I was tempted to start piecing one together, but decided not to. I wasn't sure if that was a test or not. I can work puzzles quickly but I wasn't sure how I felt about working a puzzle in a counseling office. And maybe I just didn't want to seem any crazier than I already felt.

Counselor came out at the appointed time and led me back into her office at the end of the hallway and told me to sit in one of the burgundy chairs inside. I didn't know if that was a test either, so I sat down in the first one -- closest to the door. And I shook. Just a little. Ok. Maybe more than a little. Counselor sat down in the opposite chair, reiterated the policies of the counseling center, and then asked me why I was there. So much for holding back all the gruesome details until session two.

So I started to answer. And realized I couldn't speak. I could already feel tears burning and I mentally kicked myself. Bursting out into tears at the first question was not what needed to happen. So I stopped. Breathed. Told her I wasn't used to doing something like this. And then started in with some general statements. Which led to her asking for clarification. Which led to me spilling the whole awful story -- or at least a fairly detailed outline of the whole awful story. And so the hour went. Questions and answers over everything ranging from Stepfather to classwork to parental divorce. I guess it was the "feeling out" session. I don't know. I kind of didn't know what to think when it was over. She asked me if I felt comfortable talking with her, and I said I felt better then than when we had started. She had, naturally, already noted my great discomfort/nervousness.

At least she said I wasn't crazy.

The Mage

2007-03-25T11:23:00.000-05:00

I play in a role-playing game with Gamer Guy on Saturday evenings (some offshoot of Dungeons and Dragons though it is not D&D). We play a Star Wars game sometimes on Sundays too. But last night was the first meeting in a few weeks of this game.

The bad part was that I joined the game late, and ended up stuck with the hardest class of character to play: the mage, the sorceress. And, for the first few levels (one's character gains "levels" throughout the game in order to acquire or improve skills, overall health, abilities, etc.) the character is completely useless. She doesn't have enough health to join in melee combat. Her spells are mostly weak ones that either are not combat-oriented or do so little damage as to be irrelevant. She also doesn't get good ranged combat bonuses, which makes trying to shoot a regular weapon (i.e. shotgun) also almost impossible. In short: useless.

But today my mage had reached character level five. Which meant fire. And fireballs. (Or, more specifically, flaming spheres, which do not function in this universe the same way that a fireball does, which involves a much more powerful spell that I can not yet achieve. But a flaming sphere is still a ball of fire to me, therefore any hardcore gaming people will have to forgive me when I call my simple flaming sphere a fireball. Because that's what it is, damn it.) And hell hath no fury like a mage whose been useless for weeks and finally been given fireballs and other, finally somewhat useful (and powerful) spells. I'll also admit that -- as one can probably tell -- I've been a little frustrated with many things lately that I don't care to write down yet again. So the idea of finally becoming the (relatively) powerful mage that the others have assured me I would eventually start to see was a good thing.

The story behind part of the game is that my late-entering character was a reincarnation of a non-playable character that the party had at the start of the game who died to save their lives. The character was then reincarnated, but part of her soul had been siphoned off by some strange group or something, which meant that I was again a little weakling mage.

In last night's game, I managed to destroy two of three pursuing vehicles during a car chase with two spells, one of which dropped a fireball into the lap of the driver, the other which destroyed the front right tire of the car and the driver failed his save checks. I'm not a violent person in real life, but in some ways I think there was something almost soothing in finally being useful in this game and getting to take out some frustration on non-existent things instead of beating my own head against a desk. Later in the game, we came across a vampire doppelganger of my character who had a chunk of my soul. My mantra for the fight was something like, "Burn, bitch, burn."

I think my character is going to like having the fireballs.

2007-03-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

So, it appears this semester is the semester that's finally putting me into therapy.

I have an appointment on Monday morning with on-campus counseling.

Go me.

Back to it

2007-03-19T21:38:00.000-05:00

Spring break came to a close, and yesterday I was back in BG. I came somewhat early, but it didn't bother me too much to have time to put the room back in order and await Gamer Guy's arrival.

This week is going to be a little quiet. German Professor is still overseas, so there won't be any German classes until Thursday. It was rather strange to only have to go to World Lit today. But it has also been nice that the return to class has not been horrific and overwhelming again.

But next week will be crazy. I guess that's the trade-off.

I don't guess I really had anything to say after all.

Points of Comparison

2007-03-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw my mother for the first time since Christmas time -- I hadn't seen her since 2007 rolled in. I almost didn't see her. I had an argument with her over the phone from Grandmother's house, asking her to come over and see me without Stepfather. She insisted that she could not leave the house unless she got ready and that always takes at least 1.5 hours. I finally told her that she could come see me if she wanted -- that I was going to be there for a couple more hours and that was it. Her response was to say she would be at her house, so I assumed that meant she wasn't coming.

But about 1.5 hours later, she showed up. Normally I would call this a victory -- a bit of progress -- a bit of her finally thinking about what position she had put me in. But I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case last night. Standing in the kitchen, her first comments were something to the effect of, "So do I pass the test? Can you check off whatever little box it is you have on your checklist?" When I hugged her, I started crying, mainly because I realized how long it had been since I had done that. Then her only reaction was, "Don't start crying. I'm wore out with this." But I did at least get to spend a little bit of time with her without Stepfather looming in the background. Or lurking. I think he lurks more than he looms.

I think I somewhere deep down that I'm not getting her back. I'm just not one to give up a fight. Maybe that's my problem.

Today, Dad and I went dress clothes shopping. I needed a new black suit for the conference I'm going to at the end of this month. He needed new suits for work. I think we were both dreading it. As we neared the mall, he said (after I had made some comment about him and shopping), "Would you rather go do this with [Stepmom]? I'd much rather you go do this with [Stepmom]."

Oddly enough, it only took us one store. I started my search and managed to find a couple of things that I didn't think would kill me to wear and were suit jackets that weren't paired with skirts. I called Dad away from his searching twice -- once for the initial picking out and again because I needed a second opinion about the fit and didn't feel like I wanted to ask the two EMS chicks that were screaming at each other across the dressing room.

Back in my blue jeans, I wandered over the men's section where dad was finishing his suit endeavors. He picked one that is a dark gray and another that is black with a very small, navy-ish blue pinstripe. Next it came to picking out ties. It had been a long time since I had wandered with him around a tie rack, but I still remembered most of his preferences. He likes red with gray and white, and so a red tie with black and gray designs was chosen for the gray suit. He picked a rather bizarre-looking, multi-hued blue, gray, black, and white tie to go with the blue suit.

After that, we were finished. I don't think either one of us could believe it. We'd even managed to find things on sale. And it had maybe taken us an hour. Stepmom called to ask if we needed help just a little while before we left, and -- surprisingly -- we had it under control. Weird.

Here's to a Real Break

2007-03-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

After finishing the Film Theory midterm, I've totally given myself over to vice. And enjoyed much of it. I have read one book already and have started a second. There is one I must read for class but it will just have to come third. I will not interrupt one for the other.

I also went to see The Queen today with Dark-Haired Grandmother. I enjoyed it. I don't know if it was the greatest film I had ever seen, but I could certainly understand why Helen Mirren got the Oscar nod for the role of Queen Elizabeth II. Wow.

Tomorrow, Dad and I are going to go see Das Leben der Anderen or The Lives of Others. I am excited. This film -- a German film -- won the Oscar this year for best foreign language film. It is about the Stasi in East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall. It is only playing here in the Ville and only at one theater. It is not playing anywhere near campus or even Big Music City. This is something I can't pass up. And I'm making Dad go with me because he's on vacation and I need some company. The poor man will have to read subtitles.

I've also contemplated asking Stepmom -- when she returns to us from a business trip on Thursday -- if she would want to go with me to see Pan's Labyrinth. I don't know very much about it, but it also made some noise at the Oscars and I've heard good things about it. That, and I felt bad because I really hadn't seen any of the major Oscar films this year. I'm not saying that what the Academy finds to be quality film is the best there is to offer, but I'm a film studies student for goodness sakes! I'm supposed to be up on this sort of thing and I've totally had my head stuck in German Cinema this semester. Not that I'm complaining....

So, this is my vice. For better or for worse. I watch movies. I read. I will probably write. I don't always know if this is the real me because I've chosen it to be, or if circumstances were forced upon me that made me this way. But, at least for the moment, this seems to be what I am.

Mission ImPossible

2007-03-10T13:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday involved going to World Lit., having a meeting with German Professor about my future, grabbing lunch, closing down the room, and telling Gamer Guy goodbye as we both headed off for spring break. The ride home was surprisingly calm. I couldn't believe how free of traffic the interstate was, at least until I got closer to home.

Yesterday I managed to turn in a draft of my thesis project with a beginning, middle, and an end to American Lit Professor and Film Professor. That made me happy. The downside was that I did that and was unable to do the mid-term for Film Theory. I asked FP when he wanted the mid-term, and his answer was, "At the end of the week." I asked him if that meant Friday-before-I-go-home end of the week or Sunday-night-end-of-the-week. He told me to interpret that as I would. So I finished the thesis in time to turn it in in a completed form. Of course, now I guess I have to write this mid-term assignment. Sigh. I get off for break and yet I'm still working. What's up with that?

At least now it seems manageable.

Class Skipping

2007-03-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the German Department had two guests come from Big Impressive University in Music City -- both of whom are doctoral candidates in the German department there. They are both writing dissertations at the moment, and one was supposed to present the subject of her work to our German lit by women class. My plans were to then go to Film Theory and return to take part in the ceremony in which I was going to be inducted into Delta Phi Alpha -- the German honors society. (No, I am not a sorority girl, and never will be.)

When class was over, I started gathering my belongings to head off to class. German Professor invited anyone who wanted to go to lunch with her, German Instructor, and the guests (who are both originally from Germany). Suddenly I felt very torn: food or Film Theory? Film Professor knew what was going on because I was going to miss the film viewing that day, and had instead watched the film over the weekend. But I had told him that I would probably make it to the regular class.

"Why don't you come go to lunch with us?" German Professor said to me. I followed her to her office with Gamer Guy as she and the others prepared to leave. I was quite beside myself. I never get to eat on Tuesdays and Thursdays until later in the day. And there was good conversation to be had. But I was supposed to go to class.

I was again asked if I was going to come along. Gamer Guy looked at me expectantly. The Guests were getting a kick out of my discomfort. German Professor said, "Oh, come on. I sent [Film Professor] an email. He knows where you are."

I gaped at her. The others laughed. "Are you telling me to skip class?" I asked. She laughed. "Yeah. Come on."

They started walking away. I followed. The truth was that I really was dreading going to class anyway, though I didn't have a reason to do so. Gamer Guy came as well. We wandered down the hill. I was in a half stupor for the walk, watching the minutes between classes tick away on my watch. Was I really going to do it? I was so far down the hill. German Professor finally looked at me and said, "Well, you'd be so late if you went now it doesn't matter."

So we went to lunch. And talked about German-related stuff and film-related stuff. They asked me what I was going to be missing that day in class, and I explained to them the last reading on non-classical cinema and how even "art" films have certain conventions -- so says the reading. Afterwards, German Professor asked that Gamer Guy and I give them a quick tour around campus. So we threw on tour guide hats and walked through campus, moving toward the end of campus and then back up the hill again.

Gamer Guy had to leave after that. But once we returned the Guests to the fine arts building, it was almost time for the Delta Phi Alpha presentation/initiation ceremony to start. There were only two students there to be inducted out of the four invited -- me and another student I will call Dances With Insanity. (She's really fun, though, even if she is a little on the crazy side.) DWI and I eventually ended up standing in front of German Professor, German Instructor, and Retired Department Head while they read something to us that I'm assuming must have stated the mission or by-laws or something like that for Delta Phi Alpha. It was very convoluted, stodgy language that I couldn't follow very well. I don't think DWI could either. When it came time to say our names, we both just sort of looked at each other until GI handed us the sheet he was reading from to explain what was going on. Then there were some pictures taken and that was that.

After refreshments had been consumed and everyone had dispersed, I wandered up to CH to find Film Professor. I blamed it all on the powers of GP and the fact that she caught me in a weak moment. But he said he had figured things with the German stuff had just lasted longer than I thought they would, and that all was well with me and the class.

But, in some ways, it kind of felt good to skip class just this once. It was for a good cause anyway -- food and conversation.

"And I wonder how I never got the burn and if I'm never gonna learn how lonely people make a life"

2007-03-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

I wrote a poem the other day when I should have been working on my thesis project. What else is new?

The Burn

Something in my head feels heavy, pulling
Down against the will of cracking knees,
Dazzling my vision with flecks of shimmering
Something, a magic spell gone wrong and I
Cling to walls and bedframes

I go walking so I can
Burn and feel the boundary of my
Body from the rest of Earth by
Where the heat recedes into wind
Juxtaposing me
Muscles flaming and I pound
Away the soles on the heels of my shoes
Just to move
My neck pops
Strikes a match
Trickles into my brain
Where the heavy something throbs

Heat creeps into my vision
Distorting waves shifting
Across eyes
My feet stutter slip,
I breathe for a moment
Fall into ash.

Mission Still Impossible

2007-03-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that there is only this upcoming week of class before spring break. It is so early this year. What is scary is the fact that we are nearly halfway through the semester as it is. I have a midterm in Film Theory this week.

The laptop crashed again that night. But since it has stayed awake and aware whenever I've had it on.

I'm supposed to have an ending to my thesis written so that I have a completed beginning, middle, and end to turn in to American Lit Professor and Film Professor before the end of the week.

I am presenting Rainer Werner Fassbinder in the German film class on Monday.

I have a test in my World Lit class on Wednesday.

There is reading to be done.

The second draft of the paper for the German Lit by Women class will certainly be due by the end of the week.

May the laptop and I limp along together.

I did read my Frankenstein paper at the Honors Round Table conference this morning.
I was glad that it was here on campus and required no traveling. That kind of conferencing comes later this month.

So. I need to be generating ideas for the thesis.